My Inner Critic’s Name is Nancy, What’s Yours?
She hangs over my shoulder every day, casting doubts if I’ll ever fulfill my true potential and discover my one great purpose in life. Perhaps I don’t have one great purpose at all but many small but equally as meaningful ones. But she covers her ears, refusing to hear my reasoning.
She wants me to return to safety and not step outside too far where I could tumble and fall down a path full of thorns waiting to pierce me. I know I will fall countless times and every time I do, she buries her weight, standing on my chest to keep me from getting back up.
She wants to protect me from the hurt and disappointment I’ve experienced in the past. I know letting go of the burden of the past is what my future begs of me but she ferociously begs to differ.
She teases me by letting me step outside my comfort zone but not beyond the edge where true change and joy happens. I know outside the familiar comforts of my mind is where the magic of my soul transpires, but she pulls me back by the hair.
She lives in a parallel universe where fear is her fire. I know fear equals unmet uncertainty. Certainty only comes with leaning into the unknown instead of running away from it, but she stirs the ashes reigniting the flames.
Her name is Nancy. She’s seemingly smart, refined, and wears dark-red glasses that define her so-called wisdom. Her long, jet hair slicked back into a classy high ponytail. A delicate line of freckles speckled across her nose and dance along her cheeks.
Her words are critical, sharp, and hard to forget, leaving me wounded. She waits in the corner, lingering in time for the right moment to cast feelings of doubt and unworthiness.
She’s absolutely perfect from the outside. When all eyes land on her, she holds a steady and confident gaze. Her presence takes up space and grace. She’s imperfectly messy on the inside. She’ll do everything in her power to hide this secret. The truth of her heart is shackled in a box of lies.
She will never go away. She is as constant as the sun rising to the daylight and the moon giving way to the night. She is the enemy in my mind which I constantly battle to remind myself I am enough.
Nancy and I have been through hell and back together. She tries to guide us through a journey that is easier and protect us from a world that is hard. She held what felt like a safe space I could turn to but now I realize, the space she created was meant only for her. She’s unapologetically selfish.
I was so fragile back then. Little by little, I learned how to fight the opinions of her that I knew couldn’t hold true. I held my own truth and leaned into my guidance. I learned how to soften her voice that I knew she loudly spoke because of fear. I spoke my own voice and leaned into my experience. I learned how to lessen her presence that I knew she invaded for lack of compassion. I took on more space and leaned into my soul.
I know Nancy will always be there but she can no longer take the lead. She can only be my shadow, a reminder of the darkness that follows. A darkness that will never be quite real.
The post appeared first on Kim T. Nguyen.