How to Star in Your Own Buddy Movie

NOTE: This is a decades-old interview I recently found in my computer archives. I conducted the interview in 1990 for Men's Health magazine, but the article never ran. Upon re-reading the advice, it seemed a shame it never got published, so (for lack of a more appropriate venue), I decided to post it here.
Howto Star in Your Own Buddy MovieA men'spsychologist talks about making, keeping and reconnecting with friends
Onenight, ten years ago, I suddenly figured out that I didn't have any close malefriends. I had broken up with my longtime girlfriend—a semi-divorce, you couldsay—and I was longing for company more dimensional than Arsenio Hall.            Trouble was, all my intimate friendswere couples that I had met through my ex-girlfriend, the Social Director. So Ifelt like the odd man out.            Okay, I'll phone some of thenews-desk gang from the paper where I work, I thought.  Maybe get together somewhere for dinner.  But then I considered how those guys and Iribbed each other or bantered endlessly about news and sports. I'm not up forthat, I decided. None of that crew really knows me.            My next thought was to call myracquetball partner. Except that I'd never spent time with him off the court.We'd never talked about anything more personal than his Cessna 172. "Naaa," Ithought. I felt in the mood to really connect with someone.            A few hours and Buds later, as I wasconsidered calling up some dudes from my karate class, I recognized thatloneliness had driven me mad. The guys in that class possessed all the sensitivityof a Van Damme movie.            That left—nobody. "I have no closebuddies at all." What a terrific feeling. Good thing Arsenio and I were sotight.            Nowadays I'm married to a greatwoman and our two sons are the orchards of our eyes. But…I still don't have any sidekicks. Not like when I was 20 andfour of us dudes threw a tent into a station wagon and set out on a summer-longsurfing safari. Man, those days were filled with buddy scenes meant for the jeanscommercials. Question is, now that I'm 40, why is it harder to connect withother guys?            A lot of men want closerfriendships, says men's psychologist Robert Pasick, Ph.D., but we don't knowhow to make them click. I asked the author of Awakening From the Deep Sleep: APractical Guide for Men in Transition for hisadvice on the art of making friends.
First, a realitycheck. Is it tough for most guys to make friends? Or is it just moi?
Mostof the men I talk with would agree that it gets harder to make friends as youget older. I meet a lot of guys who feel nostalgic for the type of buddies theyhad in college or the service, and can't understand why they haven't made anynew male friends as close as the old ones.            In my experience, the typical mandepends on women for emotional ties. His male friendships focus oncompanionship and fun. When some kind of crisis comes up, men often find theirbuddies too uneasy with matters of the heart to be there for them. So guys savetheir most personal sharing for wives and girlfriends. Trouble is, if the womanis the source of the problem, the guyfinds himself really alone.
What's getting inthe way of men making friends with other men?Theobstacles start with the way we're socialized. We learn throughout our boyhoodsthat we're supposed to stick to a set of unwritten rules about how to handleourselves as men. One of those rules says we're not supposed to let others seehow we're feeling, especially if we're feeling sad, or weak or afraid. Keepyour cards close to your chest, keep a poker face, or others will takeadvantage of you. Our role models are heroes who seem strong because they don'tlet emotions get in the way. But friendships never become deep if you can't bereal about how you're feeling.
I'm thinking thatif you took the various characters played by Clint Eastwood, Yul Brynner andSteve McQueen and put them together in a room, you wouldn't get a lot of personalsharing among them.
Thoseguys would never let down their guard. But a key to getting close to someone isto show your vulnerability. If you're worried about something and your buddy asksyou, "How's it goin'?" and you answer "Just fine," you'rehiding yourself from him. And that relationship will stay superficial.            Another part of the male code that'sa hindrance to friendship is total self-reliance. A real man doesn't needemotional support. We're scared to get too close to anyone, because intimacymight make us feel dependent on them.Malecompetitiveness, I think, is the biggest obstacle of all. The feeling that weshould always keep score and know where we stand relative to other guys.
Like, "Bobmakes more money than I do, but my wife is a lot cuter than his." Thatkind of thing?
Right.That whole game of one-upmanship. It kills trust. It can even ruin oldfriendships. I had a client, Ray, who asked his friend, Jim, why he hadn't returnedhis calls or letters. Jim told him, "My life hasn't been going greatlately. A few months ago, I lost my job." Ray was shocked. See, whenthey'd been on equal grounds, their friendship had lasted for years, but whentheir fortunes went in different directions, Jim felt ashamed, so he withdrew.            When you think about it, our maleconditioning is hardly a formula for making happy friendships. It contains somevalues that can be very useful in life, but it seems more like a formula forraising warriors or corporate chiefs. I mean, I don't want to sound like aMarxist or something, but male society is too competitive and materialistic,where a man's worth is measured by his wealth of toys, not his wealth offriends.            The irony is, the more you succeedat conforming to the masculine model, the more you'll fail at making closefriends. Some of my clients are real power-brokers who have achieved theultimate in the American Dream, but they're very lonely at the top. Often theydidn't realize they were totally alone until they got a divorce or had a heartattack or some other crisis.
I've noticed inbuddies-drinking-beer-together commercials, we're always shown a crowd ofbuddies, never only two guys together.
Thefear of being perceived as homosexual keeps guys from showing too much caring,and creates a lot of awkwardness and uncertainty. For example, a lot of menwould feel it's okay for two guys to travel together on a business or fishingtrip, but would feel uncomfortable going out with the same guy to dinner or amovie on a Saturday night. Men are fearful of saying to another man, "I'dlike to see you," so they say, "I've got tickets to the game, wannago?"            That's why after making a newfriend, men are anxious to bring their girlfriends or wives into therelationship. But when the four of them meet, it might take away from theoriginal rapport.
Are there traitsthat you can expect from a real friend? A way to know your friendship is on theright track?
Areal friend shares with you how they actually feel, including the parts thataren't positive or totally predictable. They can ask for your advice or help,and they would gladly return the support. A real friend is your equal, whetherhe makes more or less money than you, and so forth.            An essential trait of strongfriendships is the ability to deal openly with conflict instead of taking yourfootball and going home. Disagreements and disappointments are inevitablebetween people. The trick is to talk about the things that bother you, such asperceived slights, whatever. To just button your lip and tough it out drives awedge between you.
What does it taketo make close friends?
Getinvolved in activities where you're likely to meet men you'd want to be friendswith. If you enjoy biking, join a bike club. The guys you meet there will haveat least that much in common with you. I've made several good friends throughcoaching my older son's baseball team.            Most friendships between men buildindirectly, when you're involved in something external to the relationship. Butafter getting to know someone a bit, you can suggest getting together in someother setting: "Why don't we continue this conversation over lunchsometime?" Of course, that's the scary step, where homophobia and the fearof rejection flare up.                     And, in fact, you might experiencesome rejection or indifference along the way. It helps to remember this issomething you are doing for yourself, not a test of your popularity. It isn'teasy to reverse the pattern of keeping friendships superficial and secondary.It takes time.            Because of everybody's time crunch,it helps to have a regular schedule to get together. Actually, the number onereason men give for not being able to make friends is that they don't haveenough time. But that's largely an excuse. If you make the time to exercise anddo other things for your health, you can make the time to have friends. Make ita health priority: Studies have shown that close friendships are linked withlong life and survival of heart attack. You eat lunch most workdays, right?Meet your friend for lunch once a week. Or buy season tickets.            When your friend asks how you'redoing, try a new response, instead of the glib answer. Tell him what worriesyou, or what you dream of doing someday. At first, you might have to do most ofthe opening up.            You'll probably find it useful, atleast until the friendship is well-established, to keep your wives orgirlfriends out of it. And I think men continue to need time, now and again, inthe company of other men, away from women.
Do you recommendjoining a men's group?
It'snot a bad idea, since evaluating your own blocks to closeness is a logicalfirst step to going beyond them in your friendships.             You get the idea through the mediathat all men's groups are wildman-type tribal gatherings where you go into thewoods and pound homemade drums and chant and scream and go naked intosweatlodges. But there is a full range of men's groups out there, that everyguy could be comfortable with. It's not all some kind of intense emotionalwork. There are talk groups and simpler stuff. All it takes is four or fiveguys who are willing to get together to talk about things other than sports.Over the last couple years the group I belong to has talked about fathers,money, mentors, mid-life career choices, health, religion, aging, sexuality andother things. It's enlightening to hear how other men think and feel.
What about cohortsof yesteryear? Any hope in trying to reconnect?
Yes.I think it's equally important. It's sometimes easier, too. We carry a lot ofgrief from these losses, but some of our old friends may still be available.             I suggest writing a letter. Not justa note on a Christmas card. Talk about yourself and what's been going on inyour life in an honest way. Don't take on that "everything's beenfine" posture. It's good to say, "I'd like to renew ourfriendship." Tell him you miss him.            If there are unresolved hurtsbetween you, mention them and say you want to get past them. If you're theculprit, apologize.            End the letter by suggestingspecific times and activities you might do together. Suggest a place to meetagain, halfway between cities, perhaps, for a weekend of golfing, or whatever.If you're not a letter writer, give him a call.             If you have a longtime friend withwhom you'd like to get tighter, plan ways to open up the relationship. Plan atrip together, or ask him to join you on a project or a new class. Talkdirectly about your friendship. Tell him how you see him. Ask him how he seesyou. Here's a big risk: Try calling him at times when you tend to withdraw,because you're down or whatever. Try to accept help from your friend. He willlikely be flattered that you seek his loyal support, and maybe some day he'llreciprocate.            A friend is attentive. So call yourfriend occasionally just to talk. Send him clips of articles that are right uphis alley. If you know he's been sick, check up on him to see how he's doing.             When you travel, look up oldfriends. When I was in New York recently on business, I looked up a friend Ihadn't seen in 15 years and he invited me to stay with him, and we've becomeclose friends again. Don't worry about imposing. Make the call. Chances are,your old buddies are stuck in the same rut you are, finding it hard to make newfriends, and they'll be delighted to hear from you.