Ranking Romance: Mini Reviews and a Tier List of Smutty Recent Reads

My Book is Going on Tour Starting 4/29! Reading Tastes Tag

Ranking Romance: Mini Reviews and a Tier List of Smutty Recent Reads

I’m never quite sure how to handle all the short books I read, the amazon romances that are novella-length and the erotica that is short story length. I’d like to work that stuff into my blogging, but there’s usually not a TON to say about books so short. Especially not in a genre that has such a specific purpose-it’s not trying to be high art, and that’s fine, it just doesn’t leave you with a lot of material for interesting blog posts.

So, since a couple of the books on my recently devoured romance TBR were arcs, and I like to give authors as many shout outs (honest shout outs) as I can when they give me free shit, I decided to do a tier list of all the recent smutty reads.

Some of these I ended up reading by talking to other romance/erotica writers in different discord servers and some of them I found on amazon and decided to read because I write amazon erotica and it’s good market research to keep up with what’s doing well over there. All of that is just to explain why the list is so eclectic.

Below are the books I’m ranking and mini-reviewing:

Okay! So seven books. These are all the romance/erotica books I’ve read in the past month. We have a few different formats and genres. These rage from short erotica to novella, and there is one full-length romance novel.

I shall rank them in order from worst to best, and give you the book details and a mini review with each.

Let’s Start with the Book I Enjoyed the Least7) Maid for the Alien Warrior by Athena Storm and Tara Starr

If you really want to hear me rant, I have a youtube video.

Recently I nuked my youtube channel, moved all my videos to a new channel, and started from scratch. I did this for…reasons…Jyvur is actually a crazy person reasons….Anyway, there is my new channel. I reuploaded all of the most popular videos and have 5 whole subscribers.

Okay okay…I’m off track.

Back to that book.

It was AWFUL. One of the worst books I’ve read in years. But if you go look at the goodreads reviews, they are overwhelmingly positive. That’s why my booktube video really devolved into a rant about how fake progressives are. It baffles me that people spout all this social justice stuff, but nobody ever holds the romance genre accountable. I think it’s because all standards go out the window when women are horny. It’s all fine if it makes women wet.

This book is some real racist-colonizer-fixed-by-the-power-of-good-pussy other shit.

Format: full-length romance novel

Sub-genre: science-fiction

Tropes: alien warrior, nanny-boss romance, forced proximity, alien mates

Romance: Lifeless, dull

Steaminess: Nonexistent-sex scenes are boring

Characters: The only ones I liked were the kids. Both the male and female leads sort of sucked. Mostly the male lead.

My review:

Let me get the vital stuff out of the way, before I get into the heavy stuff.
This book has two sex scenes and they both sucked.
If you want to fap to this book, you’re gonna have trouble because there is very little sex and none of it is good.

There is, however, a lot of ‘racist colonizer saved by the power of good pussy’ metanarrative, so if THAT is your thing, go off I guess. Now, I figured we’d all learned a little since Pocahantas and Avatar. Apparently not. Apparently it’s still cool to have the male lead be an actual racist dickhead (and in this story is LEGIT okay with humans forced to live in RACIAL GHETTOS and having-his words not mine-racial epithets hurled at them) but then he learns not to be racist when he gets fucked real good….is it me? Anybody? WHY am I, the freaking Republican, having to come out of the woodwork and lay down the law here about why the idea of fucking the bigot out of someone is a dangerous and icky idea. I’ll tell y’all, bookish community, it’s funny how intersectional everybody is and how woke everybody is until it’s time for sexy times. Then I guess it’s ‘UwU marginalize and subjugate me, Daddy! Are you seven feet tall with a gigaChad jaw? Nah, it’s cool, you can think I’m inferior based on intrinsic characteristics and we will just never EVER resolve that because the dick so good.’
Really, I am not with all the social justice intersectionalism. A lot of it is nonsense. A lot of it performative. And a lot of it is thinly-veiled racism (no matter how many times the word anti-racism is flung about). But THIS is just common sense decency: you don’t have a character be openly racist and then FINALLY start to care about the marginalization of an oppressed group after he gets his dick wet. There is so much wrong with that. No, I do not care that this was an alien and humans are the oppressed group. There are strong parallels to real world oppression; including the aforementioned ghetto and racial slurs. Humans live in squalor and have less rights than the aliens, and this man never fucking cares until a human makes his dick hard.
This is wrong. This is fucked up.
Do better.

The male lead is also classist, looking down on servants and anyone lower class. In today’s postmodern nightmare where everybody is jerking off to Marxism, you guys really need a Ben Shapiro stan to come and tell you it’s fucked up to judge people for their income level? Really?
The nonsense running rampant in the romance genre is why I don’t trust progressives. Y’all needa be on this shit. Why do women get wet to such fuckery?
Forget CRT. Forget intersectionalism.
All humans need is common sense decency, and a narrative romancing an abhorrent MC like this? It ain’t it, chief. It is not decent or responsible.

So much so much wrong with this book, I couldn’t begin to unpack it all.
I might have to whip out the word “problematic.” This book is so bad it made me woke.
And I’m not sorry for being harsh.

It is legitimately wrong to create this world with oppression and racism and then frame it all in a ‘good pussy fixes bigotry’ metanarrative.

I’m sorry, but what are you trying to say? Should we all be out fucking white supremicists right now? Gargle some nazi dick or are you even an ally?

Really, think about the shit you put out in the world. You could have just NOT done all the racism/oppression stuff. You don’t need it in a romance.

The main character was a terrible ruler. He didn’t give a crap about oppression in his kingdom. He was a sexist.

And on top of all that….the dick wasn’t even that good.

I picked this book up for the smut, not a sloppy story about racism that does more harm than good. The little smut there is is BAD.
There is no steam. I didn’t come close to having any kind of moment. Let’s just say the terrain south of the border is arid, not a hint of precipitation.

So why did I give it 2 stars?

Iyllere is an awesome character. I liked that the child character actually had some personality for once and didn’t annoy the fuck out of me. I also liked the action-packed scene with the murder bird.
And the cover is pretty.

The rest of the book drove me insane. Fuck. I think I’m a Democrat now. That’s how bad this was.

6) Natalie’s Guidance by A. Ritter

This book had some sexy moments, but there WAY too many uncomfortable moments for me to ever really get into it. This is a femdom erotica of the ‘gynocentrism’ subgenre, which is not a subgenre I was aware existed. And….I am not a fan. Like at all.

Format: Erotic short story

Sub-genre: femdom, gynocentrism

Tropes: male slavery, female domination, spanking, public humiliation

Romance: the story aims for romance. There is some tenderness attempted between the two main characters. It really didn’t work for me. I was way too squiked out by the whole premise.

Steaminess: Eh…some of it could have worked, had this been a normal couple absent the whole all-men-are-sex-slaves-in-this-world premise. Without the weirdness of the premise, the spanking scene could have been hot. But like…no, didn’t do it for me. I like my smut a tad more consensual. It’s not really consensual if it’s this extreme matriarchy where dudes don’t have any choice.

Characters: Ick…we have the whole pathetic little spineless simp issue that you often see in femdom erotica. If I can give myself some props for a second, when women I meet in the romance community who aren’t into femdom gave my book ‘Desire and Destruction’ a whirl, a lot of them were pleasantly surprised and said stuff like “I didn’t realize submissive men could be…you know…manly. He wasn’t this lame pushover.”-That’s so important in writing a couple with a playful power dynamic. They are still a couple. There is still compromise and give and take. They aren’t constantly going to be in sex-mode. I get this is a short story, but still….nobody wants a lame, pushover man with no personality outside of ‘top me, mommy.’ The characters in this story were flat, unattractive, and not compelling in the least.

My review:

5) The Horny MILF Slave is Spanked by Sheila Love

Yes, yes, only the finest of literature on this book blog.

What do you want from me? At least you’re not reading your 1000th milk toast opinion on Addie LaRue.

This one had nice build-up. The dialogue was sexy in parts. Although…I could really do without all the “bitch” stuff. The actual spanking scene was incredibly anti-climactic. It was like the writer got lazy and phoned it in for the ending.

Also, I know this is a stupid hang-up, but it’s my hang-up. I don’t like when the cover doesn’t match the story. The woman in the story is wearing exercise clothes from the gym. There shouldn’t be a model in fetish gear on the cover.

Format: Erotic Short Story

Sub-genres: BDSM

Tropes: MILF, older woman-younger man, spanking, gym sex

Romance: None. It’s not that sort of story.

Steaminess: Eh…the buildup was there. The story doesn’t stick the landing at all though. It really putters out just as the heat should be getting turned up.

Characters: Meh…fine, I guess? The male lead was one of those cold, cruel dominants and that’s not my speed at all.

My review:

4) Language of Love by Ruby Kiss

I received an audiobook arc of this in exchange for an honest review.

To be honest, I sort of knew right off the bat this wouldn’t be for me. Since the author and I run in the same writing circles, I wanted to help out with an arc review. But yeah, contemporary romance isn’t my thing and professor-student romance isn’t my thing.

So this book is right in the middle of the list, because I just feel very ‘meh’ about it. I didn’t hate it or love it. I don’t have strong feelings either way. I knew what the tropes were going into the book, so I didn’t take any stars off, even though they aren’t my favorite tropes.

There were issues with the audiobook performance, but the author is aware of them and the issues with the current version may not apply to future versions.

Format: Romance Novella

Subgenre: Contemporary Romance

Tropes: professor-student romance, college setting, older man-younger woman

Romance: Cute, wholesome. I liked that the male lead was kind and respectful. I’m sick of jerk male leads.

Steaminess: Didn’t personally do it for me. It wasn’t awful though. Like the book itself, I felt quite ‘meh’ about the sex scenes.

Characters: The characters were adequately fleshed out for a novella of this length, I guess. I would have liked a more interesting male lead. While he was kind and considerate, and I enjoyed that, he didn’t really have any flaws or weaknesses. Same with the female lead. No real flaws or weaknesses. I know there has to be some allowances given for shorter works, but I think with all the scenes of eating and drinking coffee, we could have squeezed in some interesting characterization.

My review:

3) Aliyah’s Surrender by Lucy Luscious

This one had a little bit of steam factor. I enjoyed it. Short and right to the point. It’s another story that had tropes I don’t like. I’m not into the rich guy trope. But again, since I knew that’s what the story was going into it, I didn’t take points off for it. This is another book I read since the author and I run in the same online circles.

Format: Erotic Short Story

Subgenre: Contemporary romance

Tropes: Rich male lead, wined-and-dined fantasy

Romance: It was okay. The story has more of a focus on sex, but the romance that is included is fine.

Steaminess: Thumbs up! We love a good fingering scene. If it were up to me, we could just cut most of the actual penetration in erotica and replace it all with good fingering scenes. The sex in this story is hot. Moments were had. The penetration scene was pretty good too.

Characters: Meh, they serve their purpose.

My review:

2) Pollinating the Plant Monster by Brian Beltane

The sex in this erotica was super hot. Very steamy and a wonderfully unique premise.

Format: Erotic Short Story

Subgenre: Monster Girl

Tropes: Pheromones, Breeding, Player

Romance: It was sweet. I liked the chemistry between the two characters.

Steaminess: SUPER hot. I love how the male lead takes time to check how the female is responding and asks her if he should stop. Even though this is a short erotica, the communication and respect adds a lot to the story. More erotica writers should take the time to incorporate those factors.

Characters: I didn’t like that the male lead was a player. The player thing just doesn’t do it for me. I enjoyed the story regardless, but could have done without that. Aside from that, the characters were unique and enjoyable. They had distinct voices. Very different than the standard stock erotica characters.

My review:

This was a VERY sexy story. I loved the dynamic between the plant monster and James. The dialogue was great. A good erotica needs sexy dialogue. Cheesy or weird dialogue ruins the whole thing. The dialogue in this story is perfect.
“What are you doing? I can’t stand it anymore, fuck me.”
Mwah! Perfection!

Here is another bit I really liked:
“It was better to go slowly, in any case. You couldn’t just start slapping and pounding at a woman’s most sensitive area. Women, even plant women, needed to get warmed up first.”
*slow clap* Can we make this a PSA? Can we work this into the sex ed curriculum? Criminey the sheer volume of men who don’t know this.

Honestly, I’m amazed this smut was written by a man (unless it’s a pseudonym thing) because this male character really knows what he’s doing. He knows how a vagina works. He’s also incredibly tender and respectful through the fucking. Taking the time to ask “Do you want me to stop?” and going slowly when the plant monster asks him to.

The whole thing was super hot. It really did it for me. Bravo.

There were only a couple of reasons why I marked it down to 4 stars. One is that the girl on the cover does not match the description of the girl in the story. For one, there is a blonde on the cover and the plant monster is described as having red hair (also the skin color is wrong). Not only that, but this appears to take place in a medieval-inspired society. The girl on the cover is wearing modern clothes. Look, I write amazon erotica too. If you can’t find an appropriate stock image, it’s not difficult or expensive to commission original artwork.

And then there was the fact that the male lead is a player. I just personally don’t like. I prefer the shy bumbling virgin who is kind of intimidated by women. I know I also said I liked that this guy knew what he was doing. I mean, I’d sacrifice that aspect of the story to ditch the player aspect. Players are a massive turn off. And any dude who is willing to listen and be respectful can give you a good time, so you don’t really need a dude to be experienced.

Also the story pulls in the whole not-like-the-other-girls thing. All the other women he fucked before the plant girl were greedy and awful for wanting him to settle down, but the plant girl is NOT greedy or awful for wanting him to settle down, because she has the superior pussy.
I just really hate that shit. It’s insidious and breeds this nefarious idea that women should be competing for men, and the women who fail to get men to commit have something wrong with them. More than that, but they should be mocked or insulted for even WANTING the man to commit.
It doesn’t matter to me that this is a silly amazon erotica. When ideas are prevalent throughout fiction, they enter our collective consciousness and shape our attitudes and beliefs, and likely, to some extent, our actions. We have to be responsible with the fiction we produce. All of it. Even the silly fantasy.

That being said, since it is a silly fantasy, I only marked it down one star for all of the above issues.
At the end of the day, it did fulfill its primary purpose. It was fun, sexy, and different, and I’d definitely be up to read more from this author.

1) My Pact with Santa by Maureen Shigeno

This was my absolute favorite out of this list for one reason: it is BOTH sweet and sexy. We get cheesy, ooey-gooey romance and some steamy sex scenes. It’s also the only subgenre of contemporary that I like, Christmas romance! I love a Christmas romance. Most Christmas romance is clean, so I’m loving that I finally found one that has all the sweetness of a Hallmark Christmas movie, but the characters actually fuck. I think Hallmark could make a killing if they had a Hallmark-After-Dark division, where all the characters actually fuck in the cheesy Christmas movies. Because I need both. I need the characters to bond over serving meals in a homeless shelter, but then bang it out in a bunch of different positions. I got both in this novella by Maureen Shigeno.

Format: Romance Novella

Subgenre: Contemporary Romance, Christmas Romance

Tropes: Best Friend’s Brother, Friends to Lovers, Fake Relationship, Friends with Benefits

Romance: Super DUPER cute! Gah! This was cheesy in the best way. The characters are fake dating, but both of them are secretly trying to use the fake dating to make the other one fall in love with them. It’s so damn sweet. I liked it so much. The chemistry between the characters is adorable.

Steaminess: VERY sexy. My favorite scene was when Taylor masturbates in front of Aiden and she says his name…ah! So sexy. I loved it. More erotic romance needs to incorporate scenes of masturbating for the other person’s entertainment. Like, it’s just so hot and so under-used.

Characters: I’m not gonna lie and say they were super developed. But they were perfectly serviceable characters for a novella of this length and genre.

My review: