WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at a MG Historical Opening Page

Critique by Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to WIP Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, critique slots are booked through April 24.

This week’s questions:

1. Is this in his view point?

2. Does it sound like a 10-year-old boy?

3. Does this catch your attention and want to read more?

4. Am I showing or telling?

5. Does this beginning even come close to a “hook”?

6. How can I improve this beginning?

7. Do these sentences sound mechanical or do they flow with the story?

8. Did I mix his thoughts in with the narrative?

9. Would Freddy’s boredom come across to the reader?
Note: This is a resubmission. The previous versions are here: first, second, third, and fourth for those curious to see how this revision has developed.

Market/Genre: Historical Middle Grade

On to the diagnosis…

Continue ReadingWritten by Janice Hardy. Fiction-University.com