The Offendedness Game

 

You can't make this stuff up.  According to the Portland Tribune (https://pamplinmedia.com/pt/9-news/50...), a local high school not only changed its name from "Woodrow Wilson High School" to "Ida B. Wells-Barnett High School" -- apparently because Wilson is now seen as "racist" -- but also chose to change its mascot from The Trojans (??) to an evergreen tree, and now the school board is arguing over whether or not an evergreen tree can be considered "racist"-- because, somehow, evergreen trees might be seen as connected to lynching.  Yes, I'm serious!  And, apparently, so is the school board.

Yes, the cult of Woke-ism has gotten this crazy.  I've seen reports that they now consider mathematics to be racist, and Disney's "Snow White" is sexist, and even mentioning that the Colorado mass-shooter was a Jihadist is Islamophobic, and using common pronouns is transphobic, and...  well, there seems to be no end to what the Wokey-dokes can find to be outraged about.  There ought to be some rules to the game.

So, in the spirit of good fun, latest fashion, and political correctitude, I propose The Offendedness Game.

You play it like this.  Take a dictionary, close your eyes, riffle the pages and stop on one at random;  then poke your finger blindly at the page until you make contact with it.  Open your eyes and see what word you've found.  Now, try to find some reason to declare that word's definition to be racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic, xenophobic or able-ist.  Give yourself a score of 5 points for racism, 4 for sexism, 3 for homophobic, 2 for transphobic, and 1 each for Islamophobic, xenophobic or able-ist. If possible, find multiple reasons to be offended and add up your scores.  Give yourself an extra point if your reason is really elaborate and attenuated.  The winner of the game gets to preach his/her argument about the word to the nearest academic journal and become a Woke celebrity.

For example, riffling blindly through my Webster's Concise Dictionary I come across...  Hmmm, "footbridge".  Definition: "a bridge for pedestrians."  Now, what can I make of that?  

Well, a bridge for pedestrians obviously doesn't carry as much traffic as a bridge for vehicles, so it could be considered "inferior"...  Aha!  So a "footbridge" is a minor convenience which the "privileged" allot for the "inferiors" -- such as slaves (5!) and women (4!) -- to use.  So "footbridge" is both racist and sexist, and I get a score of 9 points.  See how easy that is?

Let's try again.  Riffle, point, open eyes...  "Machine".  Hmmm.  

What first comes to mind is the classic rock song, "Welcome To The Machine", about the horrors of graduating from high school, finding out that you have to work for a living, and therefore must dress, speak and act as your boss wants, at least part of the time.  Oooh, how oppressive!  Obviously, the "machine" is the evil-evil Capitalist System, which is also Systemically Racist --  and sexist, and everything else.  Hooray!  I get a whole 17 points!

One more time: riffle, point, open...  "Safflower".  Uh...  Webster's definition: "an herb with seeds rich in edible oil".  Okay, how to make that offensive to anybody?

Okay...  An "herb" is a vegetable, and "vegetable" when applied to a human being means someone totally brainless.  "Seeds"?  Hmmm, I don't think there's any way to refer that to human sperm and ova, but it could refer to potential.  "Rich" and "edible oil" are promising;  the "rich" are always evil-evil (unless they're Democrats), and "edible oil" is valuable.  So... "brainless person", "rich" and "oil", with hints of potential and food;  they add up to a brainless rich person who made their fortune in oil, and... maybe assuages guilt by donating generously to Progressive causes?  Well, that's elaborate and attenuated enough to win me 1 point, but it doesn't point to anything racist, sexist, or etc., dammitol.

Aha!  But what if I can put it into a sentence -- even a slogan?  I've got it:  "Safflowers create only footbridges to The Machine".  How's that, now?  That would give me the whole 17 points, plus 1 for elaboration -- a total score of 18!  Whee!

Now, where should I push that slogan and its definitions?  Salon?  The Atlantic?  The New York Times?  All suggestions are welcome.  

And have fun playing the game!

--Leslie <;)))><