Happy Anniversary - - I Think.

The number 22 is my favorite number. It really is, I was born on November 22, my son was born on March 22, my dad was born on April 22, my best friend Jeannie was born on June 22, my favorite nephew Darren was born on August 22, my dog Faith was born on December 22 - - so were Robin and Maurice Gibb.  You'd think 22 would be AWESOME. But...no. Not today. Wow...who knew that 22 years ago I would have started a trend that has not only lasted this long but will be and has been jokingly celebrated over the years? 

What anniversary you ask? Was it my wedding anniversary? No.  Was it my divorce anniversary? No again. No, this is the 22nd year in a row that I've been celibate. OK...yeah, there's that, and now you have my permission to laugh! Go ahead, do it, laugh as hard as you want; you can't outdo me at this point.  Considering I was 22 years old when I first had sex, not counting the time I was raped; that's another blog, and I prefer to stay positive, I have not had sex for 44 years of the 59 years I've been alive....yes, you can keep laughing, it's quite alright. I have other hobbies to keep my mind occupied. Fantasy man has not been neglected for that long believe me; no, he's good, he's still smiling from our romping escapades from last night in my mind - - he's resting comfortably now, and will recharge for another go at it I'm sure.

How does one celebrate celibacy, you ask? Well, I'm dieting, so ice cream is out of the question, but it is close enough to Easter that I can cheat a little bit and grab a Canbury creme egg; do they make raspberry Cadbury eggs? If they don't they should - - or maybe, no, wait, they really shouldn't. I'm good. I can handle eating maybe half of one of the regular ones if my daughter will deign to digest the remaining half. I don't want to wake up another monster inside of me and have to deal with that, and you don't throw out good chocolate! I've been doing so well with the fasting and eating (extremely well dammit) well that I actually don't even have cravings now. When or if I think I'm going to have a craving I grab my left wrist with the fingers on my right hand and I squeeze; try it. There's an acupuncture point there that actually helps you stave off anything you think about while pinching just hard enough to draw your attention away from whatever it is you crave or desire but know is too bad for you -- have I been pinching my wrists for 22 years? Damn!

God and I had the talk this morning when I woke up and turned the calendar blocks over to March 31. I looked Him straight in the sky and told Him what I thought about this being my 22nd year without a man. He agreed with me and promised to take care of the situation just as soon as He finds one that is not only a Christian, but a musician and an animal lover who will not only put up with me, but will treat me like the Queen I am, and allow me to cook for him often, massage him, talk both his ears clean off his head and then passionately thrown him down a few times every day just to let him know I think he's adorable. It may be a while before God finds someone that will allow me to cook; I don't know, He'll work on it.  Maybe I won't hit March 31, 2022, with anything silly to celebrate! We can hope, right?

If only I wasn't so damn stubborn...and other things...OK, mostly other things. My anniversary is so close to April 1st that a lot of people over the years have thought I was making a joke when I told them why I was having a little pity party - - no, it's not an April Fool's thing, it's a me thing -- but I'm OK with it, it was something I chose and something I live with - - or actually, something I live without. I could be a nun except I'm Baptist.  (*Sighs...turns to the quiet bearded smiling man in my head and cuddles.)