A taste of Near Enough to Hold
It's not much longer until Near Enough to Hold is live. Here's a little taste of it:
I wasn’t sure when I fell asleep. The fire had died down, and Rufus was at the door barking. I raked my fingers through my hair and tried to shake away the grogginess. Then the doorbell sounded. Was that what jarred me awake? Someone at the door? I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and then stood on unsteady feet. Rufus was still barking, but it wasn’t that grumpy “who the fuck are you” bark he used on strangers. This was more of his “get your ass off the sofa and come see who’s at the door” bark. By the time I got to the hall, I could see he was practically wagging his entire body. Whoever it was, he was happy to see them. Fuck, what time is it?
I turned on the light in the vestibule and then I saw her clearly through the glass. It was the girl from the station. I unlocked the door and opened it. “Hey…”
“Hi…” She looked like she’d been crying. “Does the offer still stand?”
I nodded. “Come on in.”
Rufus led the way, jumping and barking, turning himself in circles to make sure she was following.
“You okay?” I asked her.
She shook her head no. "The fucker has a girlfriend. He never told me about that."
I gestured at the couch. Keisha sat down heavily then lowered her head into her hands and started crying again. What was I supposed to do? I didn't know the right things to say. So, I asked her if she wanted something to drink.
“Did you know?” she asked suddenly. “Is that why you made the offer?”
“I suspected when you told me the address. I knew who you were talking about. I knew Alex was seeing someone.”
“Why didn't you say anything then? Why'd you let me walk into that?”
“I thought you knew.”
“I would have never left London if I'd known he was fucking someone else.”
“Guys like him are always fucking someone else.”
“I wish you'd told me.”
“Would it have stopped you?”
She nodded then shook her head no again. "Shit...I'm sorry, this isn't your fault. I should have known better." When she lifted her head again, her eyes were red from so many tears shed. Her walnut-hued skin was wan, from exhaustion, jet lag, from frustration? She looked around as if realizing for the first time that she was in an unfamiliar place.
"Did I interrupt you?”
“Interrupt me?”
“Maybe you were asleep? God, your wife is going to get the wrong idea. Sorry, I should just check into a hotel.”
“I don't have a wife.” Saying it aloud feels so wrong. I did have a wife. She was just no longer with me. It's just me and Rufus.”
“In this big of a house?”
I nodded. "It's just the two of us." I sat down beside her on the sofa. She smelled faintly of sweat. It was not an unpleasant scent. Even though it was chilly outside, there was a faint sheen of perspiration on her bare arms and neck. “It's just been the two of us for a while now.”
“You're divorced?”
“Widowed.”
“Oh! I'm sorry.”
“It's okay. It was a long time ago.” Five years. Five fucking years of trying to figure out why my wife was killed. Why my daughters were taken away from me. “So, you want to tell me what happened?”
“It seems so stupid now.”
“Just tell me.”
“He's living with this woman called Jenna.”
“Jenna Barrow?”
"I guess so. Alex didn't say what her last name was." She grimaced. "She's not even beautiful. I could accept it if he were fucking someone who was better looking than me. But she's...average."
Jenna Barrow was average. Average everything. She wasn't particularly smart. She wasn't especially lovely. She was one of those women who usually blends in the background. It was a wonder Alex ever even paid any attention to her. I’d seen her at Secco so many times, trying a little too hard, wearing too much makeup, smiling a little too brightly as if she thought her smile would be enough to keep someone like Alex interested. When I first moved back to Richmond, a mutual friend sent me on a blind date with Jenna. I wasn't ready to date, not then. My wounds were still too fresh. And there was something about Jenna that reminded me of April. It was probably just the blonde hair and the faint trace of a Bostonian accent that bedazzled me long enough to consider dating her. I needed someone to remind me of April. Then the mirage faded. And I knew I couldn't go through with it.
I still wanted my wife.
I didn't want a substitute.
I was still thinking about April when Keisha said, "Everything he told me in London was just complete and utter bullshit."
“What did he say in London?”
"He said he missed me. He said he was ready to commit and we could make it work this time. That was just two months ago. I told him I needed time to tie up loose ends. I couldn't leave London without giving notice or finding someone who could take over the lease on my apartment."
"Everyone around here has an Alex story," I said. Maybe I shouldn't have been telling her this. "He's been with a lot of women around here. Broken a few hearts, a few marriages."
"And I was stupid enough to fall for him."
"It happens."
"So, what happens now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, what should I do? I only came here for him."
"I don't know. I'm no expert on getting back on track. I am the worst person to ask for advice."
"Maybe I should just go to bed."
"It is late," I agreed. "Come on. I'll show you the cottage."
We walked through to the kitchen and then out the back door. The cottage was just behind the house, separated by a stone path. My dad would have said it was within spitting distance. I unlocked the door for her and showed her into the small dwelling. It was not much more than a large living/dining area downstairs with an old-fashioned bathroom and a small bedroom upstairs. I should have opened the windows earlier. It smelled closed-in, damp, and neglected. But the rooms were in perfect condition. She walked around, looking out the window at the view of the yard, running curious fingers over the wainscoting. “It's nice,” she said. “It feels homey.”
“Well, it's yours if you want it.”
“How much?”
“How much what?”
“How much do you want for it?”
“I’m not selling it.”
“I meant in rent. If I'm staying here, I need to pay something.”
I shrugged. I didn't need any extra money. The mortgage was already paid in full. I hated to admit that the money from my wife's estate allowed me to do nothing. I worked when I felt like it. I didn't need anything. “Don't worry about money. Just take care of the place. Maybe walk Rufus now and then, and we’ll call it even.”
"I can't stay for free." She folded her arms across her chest and gave me a stubborn look that made me grin. "I'm not a charity case. I just need to work a few weeks and get a paycheck coming in."
“Have you got a job already lined up?”
“No, but I'll figure something out.” She tossed her head back. "I'm resilient like that. Always have been.”
“Good for you. Well, you can stay as long as you want. And...when you get that job lined up, just pay me however much you think this place is worth then.”
“What if I think it's only worth fifty bucks a month?”
“Fine by me.”
“You're crazy. You could get at least one or two thousand bucks a month for a place like this.”
“It doesn't matter. Look, you want to stay here?”
“Yeah, I need a place to stay.”
“Then it's yours, and you figure out how much you can afford to pay me or something like that. And then it's okay.”
“I’ve got one more question, though.”
“What now?”
“Have you got some towels I could borrow? I left everything like that behind in London.”
“There should be some clean ones in the closet in the bedroom. My sister was just here, and she was on a guest towel buying spree.”
“Thanks, Nick. For letting me stay here.”
“Yeah, it's nothing.”
“No, this is something. You don't even know me from Adam, and you're letting me live in your home. It means a lot to me.”
"It's fine. Just...yeah, be nice to Rufus, and we're all right."
“Being nice to Rufus is easy,” she said. “Being nice to everyone else is the problem.”
We said good night. I wasn’t sure what the protocol was here. Should I shake her hand? Should I just nod? She stepped in and gave me a brief hug then repeated good night to me. I went out onto the porch and then headed back to my house. The air was still damp, but the rain had subsided. Maybe it would be better weather tomorrow. I went inside and then made sure the fire in the hearth was out. Rufus watched me from under his bushy eyebrows. When he saw I was heading upstairs, he trotted behind me. I guess he was ready for a little shut-eye too.
I was halfway up the stairs when I realized her suitcase was still in the living room. I retraced my steps back down again and fetched it from its position by the vestibule door. Her baggage claim tags were still fastened to the handle. She must've come here directly from the airport. It looked like she’d arrived at BWI and then taken the train to Richmond. How long had she been traveling before I found her by the side of the road? And why had Alex just left her there? Why didn't he at least meet her as he'd promised her that he would? None of it added up. The whole story would come out sooner or later.
I wasn’t sure when I fell asleep. The fire had died down, and Rufus was at the door barking. I raked my fingers through my hair and tried to shake away the grogginess. Then the doorbell sounded. Was that what jarred me awake? Someone at the door? I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and then stood on unsteady feet. Rufus was still barking, but it wasn’t that grumpy “who the fuck are you” bark he used on strangers. This was more of his “get your ass off the sofa and come see who’s at the door” bark. By the time I got to the hall, I could see he was practically wagging his entire body. Whoever it was, he was happy to see them. Fuck, what time is it?
I turned on the light in the vestibule and then I saw her clearly through the glass. It was the girl from the station. I unlocked the door and opened it. “Hey…”
“Hi…” She looked like she’d been crying. “Does the offer still stand?”
I nodded. “Come on in.”
Rufus led the way, jumping and barking, turning himself in circles to make sure she was following.
“You okay?” I asked her.
She shook her head no. "The fucker has a girlfriend. He never told me about that."
I gestured at the couch. Keisha sat down heavily then lowered her head into her hands and started crying again. What was I supposed to do? I didn't know the right things to say. So, I asked her if she wanted something to drink.
“Did you know?” she asked suddenly. “Is that why you made the offer?”
“I suspected when you told me the address. I knew who you were talking about. I knew Alex was seeing someone.”
“Why didn't you say anything then? Why'd you let me walk into that?”
“I thought you knew.”
“I would have never left London if I'd known he was fucking someone else.”
“Guys like him are always fucking someone else.”
“I wish you'd told me.”
“Would it have stopped you?”
She nodded then shook her head no again. "Shit...I'm sorry, this isn't your fault. I should have known better." When she lifted her head again, her eyes were red from so many tears shed. Her walnut-hued skin was wan, from exhaustion, jet lag, from frustration? She looked around as if realizing for the first time that she was in an unfamiliar place.
"Did I interrupt you?”
“Interrupt me?”
“Maybe you were asleep? God, your wife is going to get the wrong idea. Sorry, I should just check into a hotel.”
“I don't have a wife.” Saying it aloud feels so wrong. I did have a wife. She was just no longer with me. It's just me and Rufus.”
“In this big of a house?”
I nodded. "It's just the two of us." I sat down beside her on the sofa. She smelled faintly of sweat. It was not an unpleasant scent. Even though it was chilly outside, there was a faint sheen of perspiration on her bare arms and neck. “It's just been the two of us for a while now.”
“You're divorced?”
“Widowed.”
“Oh! I'm sorry.”
“It's okay. It was a long time ago.” Five years. Five fucking years of trying to figure out why my wife was killed. Why my daughters were taken away from me. “So, you want to tell me what happened?”
“It seems so stupid now.”
“Just tell me.”
“He's living with this woman called Jenna.”
“Jenna Barrow?”
"I guess so. Alex didn't say what her last name was." She grimaced. "She's not even beautiful. I could accept it if he were fucking someone who was better looking than me. But she's...average."
Jenna Barrow was average. Average everything. She wasn't particularly smart. She wasn't especially lovely. She was one of those women who usually blends in the background. It was a wonder Alex ever even paid any attention to her. I’d seen her at Secco so many times, trying a little too hard, wearing too much makeup, smiling a little too brightly as if she thought her smile would be enough to keep someone like Alex interested. When I first moved back to Richmond, a mutual friend sent me on a blind date with Jenna. I wasn't ready to date, not then. My wounds were still too fresh. And there was something about Jenna that reminded me of April. It was probably just the blonde hair and the faint trace of a Bostonian accent that bedazzled me long enough to consider dating her. I needed someone to remind me of April. Then the mirage faded. And I knew I couldn't go through with it.
I still wanted my wife.
I didn't want a substitute.
I was still thinking about April when Keisha said, "Everything he told me in London was just complete and utter bullshit."
“What did he say in London?”
"He said he missed me. He said he was ready to commit and we could make it work this time. That was just two months ago. I told him I needed time to tie up loose ends. I couldn't leave London without giving notice or finding someone who could take over the lease on my apartment."
"Everyone around here has an Alex story," I said. Maybe I shouldn't have been telling her this. "He's been with a lot of women around here. Broken a few hearts, a few marriages."
"And I was stupid enough to fall for him."
"It happens."
"So, what happens now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, what should I do? I only came here for him."
"I don't know. I'm no expert on getting back on track. I am the worst person to ask for advice."
"Maybe I should just go to bed."
"It is late," I agreed. "Come on. I'll show you the cottage."
We walked through to the kitchen and then out the back door. The cottage was just behind the house, separated by a stone path. My dad would have said it was within spitting distance. I unlocked the door for her and showed her into the small dwelling. It was not much more than a large living/dining area downstairs with an old-fashioned bathroom and a small bedroom upstairs. I should have opened the windows earlier. It smelled closed-in, damp, and neglected. But the rooms were in perfect condition. She walked around, looking out the window at the view of the yard, running curious fingers over the wainscoting. “It's nice,” she said. “It feels homey.”
“Well, it's yours if you want it.”
“How much?”
“How much what?”
“How much do you want for it?”
“I’m not selling it.”
“I meant in rent. If I'm staying here, I need to pay something.”
I shrugged. I didn't need any extra money. The mortgage was already paid in full. I hated to admit that the money from my wife's estate allowed me to do nothing. I worked when I felt like it. I didn't need anything. “Don't worry about money. Just take care of the place. Maybe walk Rufus now and then, and we’ll call it even.”
"I can't stay for free." She folded her arms across her chest and gave me a stubborn look that made me grin. "I'm not a charity case. I just need to work a few weeks and get a paycheck coming in."
“Have you got a job already lined up?”
“No, but I'll figure something out.” She tossed her head back. "I'm resilient like that. Always have been.”
“Good for you. Well, you can stay as long as you want. And...when you get that job lined up, just pay me however much you think this place is worth then.”
“What if I think it's only worth fifty bucks a month?”
“Fine by me.”
“You're crazy. You could get at least one or two thousand bucks a month for a place like this.”
“It doesn't matter. Look, you want to stay here?”
“Yeah, I need a place to stay.”
“Then it's yours, and you figure out how much you can afford to pay me or something like that. And then it's okay.”
“I’ve got one more question, though.”
“What now?”
“Have you got some towels I could borrow? I left everything like that behind in London.”
“There should be some clean ones in the closet in the bedroom. My sister was just here, and she was on a guest towel buying spree.”
“Thanks, Nick. For letting me stay here.”
“Yeah, it's nothing.”
“No, this is something. You don't even know me from Adam, and you're letting me live in your home. It means a lot to me.”
"It's fine. Just...yeah, be nice to Rufus, and we're all right."
“Being nice to Rufus is easy,” she said. “Being nice to everyone else is the problem.”
We said good night. I wasn’t sure what the protocol was here. Should I shake her hand? Should I just nod? She stepped in and gave me a brief hug then repeated good night to me. I went out onto the porch and then headed back to my house. The air was still damp, but the rain had subsided. Maybe it would be better weather tomorrow. I went inside and then made sure the fire in the hearth was out. Rufus watched me from under his bushy eyebrows. When he saw I was heading upstairs, he trotted behind me. I guess he was ready for a little shut-eye too.
I was halfway up the stairs when I realized her suitcase was still in the living room. I retraced my steps back down again and fetched it from its position by the vestibule door. Her baggage claim tags were still fastened to the handle. She must've come here directly from the airport. It looked like she’d arrived at BWI and then taken the train to Richmond. How long had she been traveling before I found her by the side of the road? And why had Alex just left her there? Why didn't he at least meet her as he'd promised her that he would? None of it added up. The whole story would come out sooner or later.
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