Life in flux
Over the last couple weeks, I’ve started to feel weird again. Change was about to happen and I’m never ready. It’s because Cam started back to school in person yesterday and Arden will go back in 2 weeks. It makes me reflect, like a flashback, because it’s been an entire year. A year since they last stepped foot in school and things were ‘normal’.
A whole year since the world shut down and life got scary as shit.
At first, I was so optimistic, thinking we just had to make it through 3 weeks and I could finally take the time to learn how to drum. (I didn’t.) But instead, would wake up each morning with a pit in my stomach. New bad things were happening almost daily. Luxuries, resources and freedoms that we all took for granted were getting snatched away, seemingly overnight. There were curfews, protests and riots. Toilet paper disappeared in an instant. People hoarded supplies and the grocery shelves never looked so bare. We started wearing masks and using hand santizer like it was our job. It was shocking, the sickening speed at which people were contracting the virus and dying.
Then, just when it felt like it couldn’t get any worse, it did. I remember myself saying outloud to Joel: “At least we didn’t have to go through the pandemic while you had cancer.” And with a cruel snap of the universe’s fingers, we did. Except this time, it had spread and there was going to be weeks of radiation. I felt betrayed. The doctors had said it was gone. Realistically though, after the surgery the first time, it was still floating around in his body undetectable. Just waiting.
I’m normally a rock. I get shit done. With this news, it felt like my reality was slipping. I was sobbing so much, at one point, I actually wondered if he had died the first time and I had gone on hallucinating my life. (Joel was completely irritated by this.) It’s screws with your mind though, to see your partner, who is usually so healthy and unstoppable, completely decimated day after day while going through treatment. I’d try to keep it together while feeling utterly helpless and devastated. It was a nightmare. I was extremely thankful for everyone that helped us get through. While usually both very independent, this time, I asked for help. Friends, family, people we didn’t even know, would send cards and things to cheer up Joel. It was completely overwhelming.
In general, it’s hard to recover after you go through trauma. Sure, there are vaccines now, yet so many unknowns and people are still getting sick, albeit a slower rate. It’s challenging to know when or how to move forward. To anticipate when exactly to emerge from your cozy little burrow, like a bunny does with the Spring. It may take a couple tries, until things feel right for you. But the weather is getting warmer and I have to tell you, it feels a lot like hope.
