This is…not Sparta

Happy Solstice, everyone!

For once, I am actually looking forward to the impending Spring. I do enjoy a good impend, don’t you? And a good spring too, come to think of it. It’s my own fault really, I should never have installed that weather app on my phone. It’s become a go-to thing when I don’t already have enough to worry about. I don’t know about anybody else but just looking at that calendar and seeing that there is never going to be any dry weather ever again can be a bit of a downer.

I mean, I know I don’t like sunny weather but at the same time the weather does take the mickey a bit sometimes with the amount of rain it pushes out. Do you know, there was one day when me and the hubster were walking about in a nearby town and we got caught by some drops of rain and there wasn’t even any clouds in the sky!

But all that rain is soon to pay off ha ha ha because we have begun gardening in earnest. After seeing the carefree way in which some people grope unwrapped food in supermarkets recently, we’re only too happy to try being a little more self-sufficient. Especially seeing as we have the garden. It will certainly be a challenge for the fur baby as she navigates the way around, trying to find a good place to sprinkle when she tinkles (that’s a phrase which I say – rather loudly – when we are out for a walk as she can be quite slow and deliberate when she answers the call of nature. I don’t want anybody thinking I’m one of those dog parents who will leave Mr Woofles to unload their last few meals and then walk off, with nary a care nor a fully-loaded poo bag).

Anyway, back on track. Yes, it’s been raining here. A lot. It does that. As I’ve said before, anything over 0% probability predicted rain usually translates to 100% certainty. And yes, we have got some seeds starting off, ready to plant out if ever the seedlings decide to make an appearance. I’ve decided that lettuce are like Labradors – eager to please and flipping well everywhere. Or perhaps that was just me being clumsy with the seeds. Asparagus are possibly the snobbiest and entitled seeds I’ve ever come across.

But the cold. At least that is hopefully on its way out. The conservatory has gone from a chilly 10 degrees to a better-check-that-again 27 degrees. Let’s see if the rest of the little beggars will germinate now. At least the house is warm. I have a very useful tip for you in a minute. Bear with me.

Ever done this?

Our boiler broke back in November. Because that’s what they do, isn’t it? Wait until winter is just about to set in and decide to do a mic drop on you. Talk about ‘Elvis has left the building’. You see, when we first moved in, we’d moved from a teeny flat where the boiler was about your average size, sat on the wall, minding its own business (and even that was a replacement – but more about that in a minute). So when we first viewed this place and saw a teeny-tiny boiler on the wall of the utility room, we did wonder how it managed to produce enough hot water for the TARDIS-like house. but hey, we thought, there’s also a nice big (like, the size of a small car) washing machine included in the price.

Wrong.

And wrong stupid.

The boiler? That was just for the sink underneath.

The ‘washing machine’?

Yup. You guessed. It was the boiler. And now it suddenly seemed way too big for the house, no matter how Gallifreyan. And it was about 30 years old, though at the time it had been top of the range, apparently. The equivalent of parking your flying car outside with the other Ford Model Ts. I don’t know why I seem to be drawn to places where the boiler is on its last legs.

Because this happened at my last place too.

Except it decided to go bang-bang-goodbye right in the middle of one of the coldest winters since records began (or so the papers said). Although I imagine nobody bothered keeping the records too accurately at the time, given that their fingers were probably frozen and they were too busy warming them on mugs of hot tea.

You know it’s cold when you have to warm your hands up under the hot tap. You know its really cold when you have to warm your hands up under the cold tap…

So there I was, snow piling up outside (when it wasn’t being flung around by winds that could lift you off your feet), in a place that was barely 5 degrees centigrade/41 degrees Fahrenheit. At the time, I rarely watched television (mostly because I didn’t have one), preferring to watch streaming things on my laptop which was linked to a projector.

Two important points about projectors:

1) who needs a 90 inch tv when you’ve got one of these beauties?

and

2) they kick out a lot of heat. I mean, a lot.

So, I ended up huddling next to my film projector to stay warm. And luckily, I did find a lovely plumber who came and fitted a new one fairly promptly. Likewise here. We found an amazing guy who basically saved our necks by dropping everything and replacing the small-car-sized not-washing-machine.

And the title?

Well, that’s because I realised with the first boiler just how adept vampires are at adapting to changing circumstances (even if we do hate change with an absolute passion). And certainly, while I wouldn’t have wanted to live like that for ever, a few months didn’t hurt me. The realisation dawned one night while I was cosying up to my projector, watching a film about the Spartans. And then I remembered how much I’d admired them as a child.

And the tip?

Well, it’s funny how both boilers went wrong either at the start of winter, or in the middle of one. So imagine this.

You’re a runner. You love running. But you only run during the winter months. During the rest of the year, the couch is your friend. TV binges are also your friend. Basically, you do absolutely nothing for 9 months of the year. Moss starts growing on you. Then, on the first day of winter, your running buddy knocks on your door and says “Hey, I’m just on my way to do an ultra marathon. Join me?”

Would you be able to do it?

I’m guessing not.

So, just like with your own movement/fitness levels, you have to give these once-a-year rockstars a regular workout. Make a point of giving your boiler something to do every now and again. Perhaps put the heating on for a while during a cooler summer/autumn evening. At least that way, the poor machine won’t be too shocked when you expect it to work full tilt for three months straight.

Which reminds me, I better go and check the pressure. See you later.

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