MY JOURNAL, MY JOURNEY

When I began my journey to put pornography in the rearview mirror of my life I was 50 years old.  For decades I had been “practicing” doing what was wrong.  Breaking free was a monumental task.  I thank God for leading me on this journey and pointing me to people and places where I could find help.  On that first day I got on the Internet and instead of looking for something provocative I searched for a way out.

Thank God, I found a support board for men (and a few women) who were trying to break free from pornography addiction.  I read articles about how the addictive cycle works and testimonials of those who had changed their lives.  I pored over personal threads and journals, where people write about their struggles and their victories.  I began to go to the board every day and write in my own journal about my goals and my desire for a new life.  It certainly wasn’t easy to break free, but as I voiced my feelings, I began to find hope.  I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Writing down my thoughts, feelings, and observations helped me see and identify my mistakes more clearly.  My journal enabled me to discover where I had been going wrong and see what I needed to work on.  I learned that by maintaining these sinful habits for so many years, I had gone against the values that I claimed to believe and cherish.  I saw that I had swallowed many deceptions from the father of lies.  One by one I had to identify those falsehoods and replace them with the truth and allow the Light to expel the darkness.

One day I wrote out a short list of lies I had often told myself:

These pictures of naked ladies are harmless, really.Every man does it. It’s just normal male behavior.It’s okay to ogle women; I’m supposed to find beautiful women attractive.I’m not hurting anyone.  I’m only looking.

Bad habits are a curse; good habits are a blessing.  In order to live the life I wanted to live, I needed to unlearn my bad ways of acting and begin to develop good habits.  This required time and effort on my part, but the benefits made it all worthwhile.  Just like learning to ride a bike, the person who wants to learn a new sport or acquire a new habit will fail.  Slips and falls are to be expected.  All that’s needed is to get right back up and go back to doing what is good and true and healthy.

This is one area where I found my journal to be especially helpful.  It was a place to go and write out what happened.  When I made a mistake, I then had an excellent opportunity to analyze how it took place.  What led up to acting out?  What changes would I make to avoid “slipping up” next time?  (Notice how we referred to it as a “slip”, not as a “plunge” as if it were completely beyond our control to stop it.)

I encourage you to write in a journal every day about your feelings, goals, struggles, and successes. Write out your “battle plan” of how you are going to see this through.  What practical steps will you take day by day in order to reach your goal?  Make this as simple, direct, and practical as possible.  Think of the steps an athlete will take in order to win a gold medal.

I learned to prepare for the unexpected; because the unexpected really can be expected. Triggers are everywhere.  We live in a sex-saturated society.  I had to prepare for temptations to pop up in unusual places, and always be ready to say a quick and decisive “NO!”

I realized that so many of my behaviors happened subconsciously, without me really thinking about them.  Lusting had become second nature for me.  I had developed the habit of looking for something to stimulate me.  While I may have said I was opposed to this kind of behavior, my actions showed I found it pleasurable.  In order to get rid of these bad habits, I needed to replace them with good habits. This is essential for anyone who desires a new and better life and can only come about through intentional living.  New behaviors don’t just happen automatically. I had to remain focused and maintain my mind in “battle mode” in order to make good choices quickly and easily.  Recovery is basically the process of replacing old, unhealthy habits with positive habits so that the right thing becomes the “automatic” behavior.

Only the light can chase away the darkness.  I need the truth, otherwise, I will remain enslaved by the lies of the evil one. Writing in my journal every day helped me focus on the truth and plan out how I would practice intentional living that day.  The more I wrote the more I understood myself.

Sometimes I say that when we write in a journal and delve into our feelings and what motivates us we become our own psychiatrist.  I’m not saying that this should replace belonging to a support group or going to a therapist, but my journal was a valuable tool as I looked over my life and planned for change.  Where had I gone wrong?  What needed to change?  How would I do this? 

I wrote in my journal almost every day for well over two years.  It was a source of inspiration and a place to go to pour out my dreams for a new life.  I thank God for helping me every step of the way.  My journal was a very important tool as I learned to replace the lies with truth and to walk in the light.

Today I confess that I used human beings as objects to satisfy my own selfish desires. I treated creatures made by God as something to be exploited and abused by me at my whim and fancy.  And today, once again, I repent of this dreadful and obnoxious sin.

Open my eyes, Lord, to see where I was and what I did. Help me never to do it again. Help me to always treat every human being as an eternal soul loved by You. Forgive me and remake me!  I thank you for giving me another chance to live a life worth living.

Learn more about breaking free from pornography in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn