40-Year-Old Version: Some Thoughts & Goals

Thank you for the birthday wishes! I was initially planning on doing a big spread on Sunday. I intended to gussy up, strike a badass pose, and create a cute caption.

Then, I realized that if I did, I'd be lying to myself and you. I awoke to feel dread, not about growing old, but about inching closer to death. I tried to shake the feeling, but like a concrete mantle, it hung over me.

As someone who wants to be authentic, I won't lie then, and I won't lie now. What I will say is, a few weeks later, I'm indebted to all of you who comment on my posts, poems, and journey, and allow me to witness yours.

My friend, Dr. Bill Berry, in particular, was a life-saver on my 40th birthday. As I took a walk through my neighborhood, I called him and reflected.

At this juncture in my life, I've assumed responsibility for my good and bad choices. We’re all at least half the product of our decisions. But that isn't always the case. The world isn't always hospitable, especially when beloved, kind, and healthy people struggle, grow sick, and leave too soon.

There's a paradox at work; both of the above are true. We’re the product of our choices and survivors of our circumstances, to the extent that we choose to survive. I choose to survive. Thanks to Bill, it occurred to me that if I stop trying so hard to be happy, then maybe I'd have a good time.

And so I did. My husband spoiled me rotten, you wonderful fans sent heartfelt messages, and I wore my tiara out to sushi.

Here's the 40-year-old version of me, tiara and all, and my career goals for my 40th year:

-Publish 3-5 poems in an awesome journal. I just received an acceptance from SWIMM Every Day! Thank you, Jen Karetnik and the editors!

-Wear a tiara, not only on my birthday but regularly just for kicks.

-Secure an agent for my collection of essays, "The Sound of Hunger: Loving & Loathing in the 21st Century." Nothing is for certain yet, but something cool is in the works. Stay tuned.

-Win a major award. Yaddo, anyone?

-To NOT overdose on existential breakdowns. Thank you, again, Bill Berry, for plucking me out of despair.

-Set better boundaries. Thank you, Sarah Colon, for helping me with this.

-Gain 1,000 followers on IG (done!), 10,000 on Twitter, and 5,000 on FB - with the caveat that these followers are authentic, warm, and genuine. And you are.

Thank you for following my journey and allowing me to witness your own.