Termination

How do you tell a child that their parents’ rights are going to be terminated?

How do you tell a child that their parents’ rights are going to be terminated? I can’t imagine that there is a right way. I began with a big breath and prayer for wisdom.

One of our foster girls could not contain her grin and excitement about the idea of being adopted, and another began convulsive sobbing. The others looked to an older sibling who started to cry quietly before reacting like her. Another declared, “I don’t want to be adopted!”

As I held our sobbing child, I knew they needed time to process. It is not that they don’t want to live with us. They have been making plans for next school year as if they will never leave our home. The news that they will not be going home has knocked the wind out of them. They don’t know how to process the abandonment-to grieve the loss of their parents and the hope that they will be reunited as a whole family with their parents and younger siblings.

What do you do when children who have fit into your family so easily for the last 14 months say they don’t want to live with you when their parents’ rights are terminated?

I would have guessed this close-knit, affectionate group of six siblings would want to all stay together. However, it’s complicated. I know there are deep connections we don’t see.

Two want to remain in our home, and the others asked to be with their younger siblings or family friends on their own. One of our foster daughters explained that she wants to move into the home with her younger siblings that don’t live with us. She wrote, “I don’t know why I feel the way I do, but that is how I feel.”

As the foster mom, I’m floating, suspending my reaction. I’m trying not to take anything personally. It’s not all about us. In truth, it is not my decision as to whether they remain in our home. The caseworker, children’s attorney, and the judge will decide who may move on from our house. I’m trying not to hold them too closely. They don’t have to be mine to love them.

The time we have together has been good, and I don’t want to cause any secondary rejection as some of them may move on to another home. I want to love them until the end so that they can look back at this time as a positive time in their lives. I want them to be loved and to be okay, wherever they end up. Like I told one of our girls yesterday when I hugged her goodbye as she headed out to play, “If you move out. I will miss you!” The thought of any of them leaving makes my heartache.