Heading Off Regrets
My friend Marly (we'll be hearing more from her soon) linked to an article in The Guardian that I thought might ring some bells with the readers of this blog. A palliative nurse studied and then listed the top five regrets she's heard expressed by her patients at the ends of their lives. None of them surprise me, but the good thing is that most of us can do something now to minimize our regrets later. Here's the list, with the nurse's own comments, and then mine in red.
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."
What would "the shape of a life true to myself" really look like to you, today? None of us can live all of our dreams, but a lot of us put off doing even simple things that don't cost money. Why? Are we afraid? If so, what are we afraid of?
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."
It seems like most of us have to work too hard today, just to pay the bills and take care of our families. Given that working is a baseline reality, what simplifications in lifestyle would we be willing to make in order to have more free time, for instance?
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
Most of us make compromises between being brutally honest/expressive with our friends and families, and being kind and loving andkeeping the peace. Writing and art are one way to get our real feelings out and deal with them in a healthy way...so if working, over time, on our close relationships to improve communication. What do you do? What don't you do?
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
Social networking, here we come! Seriously though, do you feel that the internet has improved the quality of staying in touch with the people you care about? I do, actually...though it takes a huge amount of effort and time.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
As I've gotten older, I've come to feel this is often true. I've learned that lots of the time what I really need to tell myself, if I'm feeling out of sorts or resentful or unhappy, is to lighten up, smile, take some deep breaths, let it go, get busy on something, take my mind of myself, i.e. allow myself to be happy. But what do you think? Is that unrealistic? How much control do we have over "letting ourselves be happier?"
The pattern I see in these five regrets is that we allow others to dictate our lives too much; we get overwhelmed with work and responsibilities; and we're afraid to take risks. I'd add one more that doesn't appear explicitly: we make excuses and blame others for our own problems and regrets, often all our lives long! Is it too late to change, to be courageous? It's always hard, but I don't think it's ever too late to make changes, to take some risks, to live more fully. And better late than never.
