I Have Major Issues With The Kiss Quotient

There are plenty of stereotypes about autism. Some of them are actually based in fact — for example, many of us don’t like making eye contact, small talk, or shaking hands, and are intense introverts. But, just like with all stereotypes, many of the ones about autism have developed over years of misunderstanding or intolerance for our sensory and neurological conditions. And since autistic individuals have been fighting for literal decades now to break apart the cliches and gain a foothold in actual acceptance, I still get really ticked when I see these stereotypes being reinforced — especially when the cliches are pushed under the guise of “increasing autism awareness.”

Recently I heard some buzz about a romance novel series by author Helen Hoang, which begins with The Kiss Quotient, and features an autistic protagonist. Bloggers have been giving this series glowing reviews, so I decided to give it a go. Unfortunately, I was incredibly disappointed.

From literally page one, the protagonist, Stella, who has Asperger’s syndrome, is being pressured by her overbearing (and quite ableist) mother to find a man and give her grandchildren already. This is a ridiculous notion, since Stella freely admits she doesn’t like babies, because she can’t handle hour-long crying fits and the horrible smells from diapers and the lack of sleep. AND — the biggest obstacle — she doesn’t like sex, because she’s had bad experience with previous boyfriends. ALL OF THIS IS ESTABLISHED BY PAGE 5! And yet, because romance-novel’s-gotta-romance-novel, Stella comes up with a plan to get her mother off her back: She will hire a male escort to teach her to become more comfortable with men touching her, so that she can at least acquire a boyfriend and present the resemblance of what her mother demands.

Okay, here’s my response to this: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stella has Asperger’s. She’s very sensitive to unusual smells, touch, voices, and experiences. A woman with Asperger’s syndrome would NOT hire an escort, a complete stranger, to be PHYSICALLY INTIMATE with her. This is the STUPIDEST premise to a novel with an autistic protagonist struggling to find love YET (and I’ve come across some real train wrecks).

But OF COURSE this facade proceeds, with the (naturally totally hot, compassionate, loyal-to-his-little-sisters-and-mom) male escort HAVING NO IDEA Stella is autistic (despite it being revealed later that HE HAS A COUSIN ON THE SPECTRUM). And OF COURSE Michael falls in love with Stella, and the fake relationship becomes real, and his family loves her, blah-de-blah-de-blah..

Oh, and by the way, for a supposed “chick lit” offering, there’s a fair amount of downright smut in this novel. The seemingly innocent title is COMPLETELY misleading — the smut (not romance, it’s erotica) begins before page 40, and pretty much just continues. Yes, it’s a novel involving a male escort — but those of us reading it aren’t his clients, and we can live without the details.

One of my biggest complaints (other than the fact this book never should’ve gotten the green light from a publisher) is that the author herself has been diagnosed with Asperger’s — and yet she wrote a book that no one on the spectrum can relate to. Stella inwardly complains about strong smells and tastes, about not understanding social cues or other people’s emotions, but it’s all lip service: She is not outwardly autistic very much at all. She never stims, never messes up her words, never has a meltdown. There’s one scene where she starts to have a panic attack in a nightclub, but it’s related more to the fact she sees another woman hitting on Michael than to all the people, the lights, the noise (which certainly had a big impact on me the one time I went to a nightclub!). But then 2 chapters later, she manages to stave off an impending meltdown after being introduced to Michael’s entire, loud family. Too many of us would never have accepted such an invitation to begin with, knowing it would push our limits over the edge.

Stella is also — in spite of supposedly having “all these flaws” — an impeccable dresser (she pays a tailor for the most “functional” yet most comfortable clothing), a top employee at her company (because her job involves developing algorithms *massive eye roll*), and fabulously wealthy because she sees no need to spend her money on anything other than the bare necessities. GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK! Even career-successful autists have passions and desires to engage in things not connected to their job, that cost money — like hobbies, collecting stuff, decorating our bloody house! The idea that Stella doesn’t even have furniture because “it’s not functional, since I’m always at work” (as is actually stated in one scene) is just DUMB. This author has ridiculed the very population she claims to belong to.

And I just CAN’T with that level of garbage.

By the halfway point, I wanted to literally throw the book at the wall, so I DNF’ed and this series went on my hit list.

I’m so tired of needing to put series on my hit list.

Publishers! The next time you feel the need to release a title involving an autistic protagonist, pick a submission by an #ActuallyAutistic author whose bio suggests they’re really a potato or a stack of books in a trench coat. KEEP YOUR ABLEIST EDITORS AWAY FROM IT. Bring in beta readers who are fellow potatoes, or, even better, awkward wombats. STOP TAKING OUT MENTIONS OF STIMMING, SHOW MELTDOWNS, and forget you ever heard the word “savant.” Give the narrator a job in English, horticulture, or domestic animal care. QUIT with the insulting concept that we will never have any close friends, significant others, or pets at the start of the story.

And for the love of God, DO AWAY with the crappy idea that our autism is a condition to be gawked at and pitied (Stella repeatedly refers to her social awkwardness as “her disorder”), and that our anxieties can be resolved with luuuuurve (or, in the case of The Kiss Quotient, awesome sex). Many of us do, in fact, have wonderfully caring and supportive other halves; and we STILL have sensory issues that simply being in a committed relationship will not change; we STILL tend towards introverting because it saves our auditory and processing sanity. Even a low dose of medication or a bunch of well-practiced coping techniques will NOT “cure” our physiological makeup.

I’m going to go take a nap after all this exhausting crap. See you all later, everyone.