Just who the hell is Duncan Ralston?

Intrigued by the title?

Wondering just what’s going on?

I’ll tell you.

Recently a mutual friend (and fellow Canuck) Andrew the Book Dad tweeted about being able to claim book expenses on taxes. This guy, “Duncan Ralston” replied and of course, things got hostile. It was after all “Duncan Ralston” we’re talking about.

Here’s where things took a turn;

I couldn’t let it go.

I sat and stewed over YET ANOTHER Ralston attack and thought ‘That’s it!’

I, like many in the community, can’t take it anymore. But then things started to change. I thought to myself, self? Does anybody truly know who this Ralston douche canoe is?

NO.

NO, WE DON’T.

So, this past weekend, between building a rowing machine, cleaning the garage, going to Ikea, building a stupid Ikea credenza thingy, I did a deep dive into just who Duncan is.

What I found will most likely shock and repulse even the most hardened horror fan.

Exhibit #1 – “Author”

Many of us think of Duncan as an author, but let’s be honest – he’s tricked us before. Case in point – the Rex Garrote “campaign.” This was for Ghostland (which was a horrible non-fiction book at Marine Land in Ontario) where Ralston forgot about an author but they actually existed or did they and blah blah blah. But how do we know Ralston isn’t Garrote?

Hmmm…

I mean look at this photo;

Looks a lot like Garrote?

And let’s face it – did any of us meet up with him in 2020? Don’t think so. He’ll try and say it was the pandemic that kept him from travelling… but… I mean… that’s just a little toooooo convenient.

You can find more info about his “author” exploits at his website;

https://www.duncanralston.com/

Exhibit #2: “Married”

This was a really tough one to examine as for some people this may be life altering, even shattering, but I couldn’t find any example of Duncan actually being married. He has it listed on his Facebook page and there’s some conveniently “staged” wedding photos, but things just don’t add up.

First – this photo – where he says it was apparently of him and his significant other on vacation;

Not even looking at her. (Probably a random tourist he got to take the photo. For shame.)

Then we get this one, of him and his “wife” in Belize.

Clearly he set his phone down and put the camera timer on, but he’s trying to pass it off as “his wife” taking the shot.

But it gets worse.

This damning evidence – the wedding ring fiasco;

IT’S ON THE WRONG HAND!

He’ll say the mirror flipped the image BUT THIS;

NOW NO RING! COME ON MAN!

Or this?

We expected to believe someone else took this selfie of you on the plane? Sheesh.

Exhibit #3 “Chronic Disease”

Duncan has long led us to believe he’s had Crohn’s.

Time and time again, he’s posted photos of him in a lab, getting blood done, in a mask in an empty hospital, all to mask and deflect the horrible truth. Now, I took some time to really dive into the possibilities.

Theory #1 – He’s a Reptilian.

It’s said every Reptilian will slip and here you can see he did. Duncan goes for his blood transfusions so that he can continue to live amongst us and breathe our air.

Theory #2 –  He’s Catfishing Us

His better looking brother, Morgan messaged me to say Duncan doesn’t like to talk about his age. Maybe that’s because he’s actually 12? Photoshop a goatee on this baby face and suddenly we have grumpy Duncan we all know and love?!

Theory #3 – He’s embarrassed about being only 12″ tall

This could explain a lot. The goatee. The hat. The sunglasses. All someone trying to compensate.

He’s a foot tall and rides on a dog. I have it on good authority the dog sculpture is a life sized dog.

Theory #4 – He’s actually the living reincarnation of Chucky

The smoking gun. Look at this mug shot? Clearly he needs blood transfusions to keep his human skin from breaking down!

Theory #5 – He’s actually Hollywood Actor Paul Giamatti.

I’m not even going to give this one any credence. Of all of the far fetched conspiracy theories regarding who Ralston actually is, it ain’t Giamatti.

Conclusion:

I think I’ve presented enough evidence to conclude that Duncan Ralston ISN’T WHO HE SAYS HE IS OR WHO HE’S LED US TO BELIEVE! It’s been a sham since day one and a way for us to all spend our hard earned money on books from an author who may or may not even exist. An “author” who doesn’t even use his real name on Twitter or Instagram (looking at you userbits) but always jumps in with a hot take or a combative rebuttal!

Enough Duncan, WE DEMAND THE TRUTH!

Duncan – you shouldn’t be such a mean girl.

But seriously, you’re welcome for this hilarious Monday “hit piece”/”exposure piece.”

You’ve been a great friend and I look forward to celebrating your work in the future with a real feature.

For those still reading – absolutely go read his work!

His latest is Afterlife and it’s great;

And truly, this was all done sarcastically and as a joke. I retrieved all of the photos from Ralston’s Facebook page (if you want any removed Duncan, I’ll be happy to do so) and from the limited interaction I’ve had with his wife online, she seems lovely. And Morgan knows he’s the better looking brother.

Lastly, Ralston;