The Fiver | Fixtures every minute of every day, so everyone and everything is a nightmare

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It was always heading this way, the coronavirus has merely accelerated the process: the entire world is now nothing more than one long, rolling, never-ending managerial press conference. The Fiver is trapped inside it, the doors locked, chairs wedged under the outside handles by The Man just to make sure. There are fixtures every minute of every day, and so everyone and everything and everywhere is a nightmare. Although to be scrupulously fair, yesterday’s appearance at The Presser by Neil Lennon was fairly interesting, the incandescent Celtic boss angrily jabbing both index fingers in the air while rounding on critics of his club’s trip to Dubai. “Agadoo, doo, doo,” he blasted. “Push pineapple. Shake the tree. Agadoo, doo, doo. Push pineapple. Grind coffeeeee.”

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