You Exist Too Much by Zaina Arafat

I read You Exist Too Much by Zaina Arafat in one sitting - that’s how gripped I was! This was my final book of 2020.

You Exist Too Much is the story of a young Palestinian American bisexual woman in Brooklyn, New York, who has checked herself into a rehabilitation centre for addictions, on account of her love addiction. She has a habit of pursuing both men and women who make it clear to her that they are unattainable, damaging her relationship with her girlfriend Anna.

Similar to the experience of Amrou Al-Kadhi in their memoir, Life As A Unicorn, Arafat’s protagonist yearns for the love and acceptance of her mother, and her mother rejects her for being bisexual. Between each chapter we are given a vignette that goes back to the protagonist’s childhood - her parents’ turbulent marriage and break-up, battling with an eating disorder, her self-discovery of her sexual orientation, and her holidays in Nablus and Amman.

This is another important insight into navigating life as someone who is Muslim, Arab and queer, and the way in which parents’ and families’ expectations can lead them to having to live two lives to “protect” family reputation and/or for fear of losing the love of one’s parents.

One of the most interesting things I read in this book was the idea that those who have been through traumatic experiences feel the need to over explain themselves - and this is something I do a lot.