The Most Disgusting Way to End 2020, AKA: Sagas of Animal Butt Juice, Part I

How was your New Year’s Eve? Mine had a weird moment. But before I get into it, I need to warn you, this will be the strangest and most disgusting dog story you’ve read this year. I make this claim knowing full well we are only a few days into the new year.

It started with a squirrel. Ryder was just chilling in the backyard with me and Koda, and then a squirrel jumped into the maple tree, and Ryder’s radar ears went up as she zeroed in on the squirrel like a TIE-fighter pilot in Star Wars. Her back straightened like it was full of titanium rods. It was really tight! She approached the tree one foot at a time.

Stalking squirrels…

She decided she was close enough (and maybe she has fading vision because she was not near close enough – she was still ten feet from the tree). Ryder barked, the squirrel ran, and like some weird OCD guard, my German Shepherd immediately had to walk the perimeter. She marches off, head held high, and Koda notices all this for the first time. He comes to get petted by me, then goes to check on her like What’s all the ruckus? Is there a fire that needs to be put out? But he’s asking in that mild way because he knows there’s no fire to be put out; he’s just asking because he wants in on whatever’s going down.

Ryder has no patience for this. She is walking the perimeter, and then over to me to be petted. An aloof dog, she rarely wants to be petted, but as a GSD, she has done her duty, and she wants it acknowledged. Sir, I have barked at the squirrel and I have walked the perimeter. I require two pats on the head as your acknowledgement that I have protected you.

I pet her on the head. Twice.

Now comes the disgusting part. There are two things going on here. One, Koda is a shit-eater. We’ve tried different strategies to work it out, but sometimes, that dog just has to eat a turd. Couple that with Ryder, who is losing control of her bowels. So she sometimes has a fresh one hanging under her tail where nobody can see, but Koda can smell. And I know she has a fresh one because he shoves his nose in it.

Ryder rarely seems to mind, but we find the whole thing utterly disgusting. See what I mean? You thought you had an odd New Year’s? This was New Year’s Eve morning.

I yell at Koda. Stop that!

Ryder moves on, having been petted/congratulated and now cleaned. Koda, being Koda, needs to be petted, too. I don’t want to pet him. Why would I want to pet his head when his muzzle’s been up her butt? You can’t get around the muzzle. Koda has a giant nose and a bigger mouth, so if I pet him, one way or another I’m getting dog crap on my arm.

While my mind is going through all the logical scenarios, Koda is still munching on whatever disgusting thing he pulled out of her. I’m ready to gag.

Again, Koda doesn’t care. He is a dog who loves my attention, and he wants to be petted. He has a one-track mind about this, a singular goal: to be petted. So he comes at me and (I say this only because it seems highly appropriate to this one instance) – SHIT YOU NOT – Koda drops a fat glob of drool on the Trevor Noah book I’m reading, my Christmas present to my wife, the book she has (thankfully) already read.

So now that the book is permanently stained, I shove Koda away, and I’m going inside because this is the most disgusting thing that can happen on a New Year’s Eve. But, being a person who loves his wife and appreciates paper, I don’t just toss the book aside. I’ve got to fix this! I’m now fanning the pages. Who wants to read that’s had butt juice absorbed through Chapter 10 and 11? Sacrilege!

This is the point when I realize how much I value the written word. As a writer, I know that a lot of effort went into this book. People took time to edit it, format it, line up the spaces and the page numbering. This is all important, but is it “clean off the dog butt juice” important? Apparently the answer is yes.

Thanks, Koda! (Sorry, Trevor!)

I can’t believe how yuck this got. If you have a more disgusting story, I dare you to share it here. keep it to yourself because I don’t want to know what is more disgusting than getting dog butt juice on a brand new book.

Thank you for reading and I hope you are enjoying my silly little stories. I’m a writer from Texas who dreams of one day writing full-time. I write the Zombie Dog books, which you can find here both digitally and paperback. I also have a Patreon account here.

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