Why You’re Already AWESOME
Photo by Glen Carrie on UnsplashI’m entering 2021 in a great deal of pain. At this point, we’re pretty clear that I have a regrown, unnecessary organ that wants out, which is a theme in my life. I’ve regrown my tonsils three times now.
This time, it seems to be an ovary that arrived without invitation. No, I know you’ve never heard of an ovary growing back after a full hysterectomy. I certainly hadn’t, either, when it was diagnosed a few years ago.
But now that sucker is knocking, demanding out like a feral cat trapped in a barrel full of cucumbers. I’m fighting with all the insurance and medical powers that be to get seen, to be treated, to be handled in a smart, compassionate, knowledgable way.
And it’s not easy. It took twelve days of agony to even be able to get pain medication. I’ve had the ultrasound, and now I need the MRI, and that’s what’s on my To Do list for the first week of 2021.
Had I known this was coming, I would never have started a new project like this podcast, yo. My plan was to post here at least a couple of times a week.
But hey.
You’re Already Ready is about this one fact: we all have THIS life to live.
This one. The life we’re living right now.
Not the life we want to have in a week or a year.
Not the life that we resolve to begin at the start of the month or when the calendar turns.
Me, right now, on the couch, in pain but happy. One shot, unedited. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself in this moment. Right now.
This person is enough. This person is just right.
That gorgeous being that glows at you from the other side of the glass? You’re already exactly right, too.
God forbid I waste a second of the day I’m given today feeling bad about who I’m not.
I don’t need to be skinnier than I am to live this life to the fullest. A new car will do absolutely nothing for my happiness levels. The fact that I haven’t hit the NYT bestseller list has no bearing on my worth at this very moment.
Nope, at this exquisite moment, I’m curled up on the couch in the home I adore under a soft blanket I made while the person I love best makes us bacon and eggs for a late lunch.
But Rachael! You want to get better physically, right? Isn’t that a change that you want? Aren’t you saying that you want to fix what’s broken in your body?
Hell, yeah, I want to fix what’s broken.
My body—its size, its softness, its strength and its weaknesses—is just right. None of those parts of me are broken!
But there is, currently, a broken part inside my body. It’s not like I’m wishing that the regrown organ was smarter or sexier or had less cellulite.
Consider my old, reliable, and most importantly, paid-off, SmartCar. It’s fantastic and fun and it’s a convertible! I swear I can get more home from Ikea than my wife can with her station wagon.
Made to park in SF! But if my beloved car’s electrical system goes wonky and the headlights stop working, I don’t get mad at it for being less than it could be. I don’t get angry at it for failing me. It’s just something actually broken that needs fixing.
Fixing something that’s broken is entirely different than fixing something that isn’t! Especially when someone’s trying to make money on you by making you think you should be fixed!
Right now, I’m in the middle of this one, sweet, ridiculous, incredible life, and I’m riding it out in this body, the one that’s wrapped around my heart.
I’m incredible. Unique. Myself. And I’m exactly enough, even when my body is throwing a wobbly. Even when I’m in pain. I’m worthy of care, and of fighting for.
(This week I got to hear my wife on multiple phone calls, fighting for me. She spoke so assertively at one point that someone thought she was a doctor. I was, at that moment, too weak to fight the way I needed to be fought for. It was a lovely reminder that I’m worth it.)
I’m not a before photo.
I don’t have to wait until I deserve happiness, or peace, or love.
And I refuse to listen to people who want to separate me from my hard-earned money by telling me that I’m not exactly enough, as I am. Right now.
I will not punish myself for not being someone different, or someone that I can’t be right now. If you’ve known me for more than a minute, you know I pride myself on working harder than anyone else. (It’s not something to be proud of. I’m working on it.)
But right now? I can’t work. I had to push the classes that were due to start yesterday. Those classes take all my energy, and that’s part of why they work so well. I refuse to give them less.
So I have to take some time off. And instead of feeling terrible about that, the way I normally would default to feeling, I’m refusing to fall for that bullshit.
I don’t have to work hard to deserve to be kind to myself.
I already deserve the happiness I’m finding right here, listening to the new Taylor Swift album, smelling the forest-scented candle burning on the table next to me, with two dogs curled under the blanket that’s draped over my legs. Yes, I’m in pain. But I’m happy.
This life is ALREADY HAPPENING.
My ideal life won’t start when I think I’m finally ready for it. Thank god! I’m the worst judge of that. I’m so grateful it’s going on right now.
You don’t have to wait one more second to be worthy of loving yourself deeply.
Wherever you’re hearing my voice or reading my words, please hear this: you are already deeply perfect. If you’ve got broken headlights or your steering wheel’s falling off, you deserve a great mechanic, not a lecture on how to do it better next time.
You’re in the middle of your incredible life. I’m so proud of you.
Together, we dance forward. And it doesn’t matter if you think you’re a good dancer or not. You are.
You are breathtaking.
The post Why You’re Already AWESOME appeared first on R. H. HERRON.
