Reflections on 2020

The year is nearly at an end so I thought now would be a good time to reflect. 2020 started off well enough for me. I had big plans for the summer. I had my Broadway tour series tickets to look forward to. I saw Finding Neverland and Waitress before the theatres closed. I enjoyed trips to Crystal Bridges Art Museum. My parents and I were going to go to Colorado for a vacation. It all seemed to be going well. In the background there was talk on the nightly news of a new respiratory virus spreading in Wuhan China. A germaphobe by nature I worried a little but thought, “Well it’s not hear and SARS never really became bad here when it was going round in China.”

We took my great Aunt with us everywhere we went at that time. She is like a second grandmother to me since I have no living grandparents. One of the things I miss the most is taking her places and having dinner with her at home watching Frankie Drake Mysteries. One of our last trips to Crystal Bridges Museum was with her.

In February it looked like China didn’t have the virus under control and we took back our sick citizens. I was worried about this choice but told myself they were taking precautions and Ebola had been contained when it got here. They were being quarantined at a military base it all sounded good. Then the news reports came that the workers that offloaded the passengers weren’t properly equipped. I worried but still figured they would manage to control it.

I went to work everyday not too worried. We celebrated my dad’s birthday going out to eat and I made him some cookies. I started hearing of cases in our state and kept telling myself, “well it’s not here, not right where I live anyway.” I waited on customers at the Movie theater where I worked and have worked since high school. I was a little concerned about customers who coughed and I never have liked handling their butter slimed cups. I’m a mess in flu season washing my hands till they develop a rash.

Then, in mid March, I heard cases in the nearest large town less than an hour away. I went to work and had prolonged mild panic attacks all day. I tried to serve people ringing them up arms length from the register. I positioned myself where i could half stand behind the popcorn machine glass. I didn’t eat at work and barely drank anything. I was literally shaking and co-workers asked if I was ok. I explained my germaphobia and that I was freaking out a bit about the corona virus cases in the nearest larger town where many of them went to college. They thought my concerns were over the top and I figured they were too, just like they usually were.

Days passed and numbers began to climb in the nearest large town. Slowly we heard of cased in smaller towns around. Business stayed the same and I spent most days at work afraid to touch things or be near people. I still had occasional panic attacks but hid them well, I almost always have hid them well. Then finally the family that owns our chain decided to close temporarily mostly because the nearest large town was closing all theaters and public venues. Which also meant no more Broadway tour shows but I was too worried to attend them at that point anyway. It was such a relief to know I would have to be around the public everyday. I went home and the company filed for our unemployment. It was the first time I’d ever been furloughed or taken unemployment.

My niece and nephew came to stay with us for spring break. Their spring break stretched on until they went virtual. Then my mother, a former teacher, discovered her school wasn’t teaching her anything in the way of Science, Social Studies, or Reading. They were relying on the apps only. Her Spanish class was just what’s in the teacher’s fridge today with no reinforcement. We thought well it’s just the sudden switch to virtual. We compensated over the summer with homeschool written up by my mom, their grandma. They stayed as my sister, and essential hospital worker, had no one to watch them and didn’t want to risk them getting the virus.

I began to do art and write to pass the time. I finally began the massive rewrite my novel has needed for some time. I’ve been trying for years to find an agent or publisher that would take it on to no avail. I decided well no one wants to take it on so I’ll self publish if I can get it how I want it. My mom had a children’s book I had been illustrating on my days off. She was going to self publish and now I could do an illustration a day with no work in the way.

I worked my way through a cookie cook book I was gifted some years ago, making snacks for my niece and nephew. They loved most of them but not the sesame cookies. I learned to make rice that wasn’t instant when the stores ran out of instant rice. I tried so many new meal recipes. I really enjoy trying new recipes especially if they involve lots of spices.

We heard about George Floyd on the news. I watched the marches but had to stay home to protect my niece and nephew as well as my dad who has asthma. I hoped this movement would amount to something this time. My cousin started a book club focused on reading books by people of color. I joined her group and we worked through a number of non fictions while I tried to broaden my fiction reading.

I did Spanish class and art class with my niece and nephew. We watched a lot of movies in the evening here are just a few: A Little Princess, The Secret Garden, James and the Giant Peach, Ballet Shoes, The Secret of the Kells, The Song of the Sea, Long Way North, The Adams Family original series, Secondhand Lions, and many more. We also read books every night before bed. We read all the shorter picture books. Then we read: The Velveteen Rabbit, Fortunately the Milk, Matlida, Ballet Shoes, Odd and the Frost Giants, and so many more. I love to read and enjoyed sharing that with them. They both started wanting me to help them write their own stories, which of course I did.

My dad quit his job after someone that came in his work had it. My parents bought insurance and lived on my mom’s retirement.

All the while, I worried each month about if my employer would pay my insurance this month. Thankfully they did. They sold popcorn curbside but I didn’t. I cited helping my niece and nephew with school, but my germaphobia played a role in my decision too. As we moved closer to the start of the school year the company began to talk about reopening and bringing people back slowly. I requested to not be one of the first brought back. They said they would wait to bring me back. I was relieved but still worried about going back. The case numbers were still growing in our area. The company said nothing about upgrading air filtration which I understood would help the most. I listened the the expert they were following and worried that it wasn’t enough. I also wondered what would happen with my niece and nephew’s school. I was helping with it and proctoring some of my niece’s online classes. The wildfires in the Western U.S. made the sun look weird and I could smell smoke in the air.

The recalled me saying they couldn’t wait to bring me back. Home office wanted management back first. It would be part time and I’d still get unemployment. They would work with me on my schedule. I told them to give me till Monday to think about it. I looked into buying insurance and found a plan I could afford. I looked at my saving that I had planed to use on my big summer plans. I decided I would use that money to stay home to protect my parents and my niece and nephew, also to keep my panic attacks in check. I called and said I wouldn’t be coming back. It was a hard decision with many tears involved but after I made the decision I felt freed and relieved.

My niece and nephew went home and did virtual school until my sister saw how little they were teaching. My sister decided to homeschool her kids for the year. My mother wrote the lessons for her. I published my novel and worked on more.

I reworked some short stories I had written over the years.

I started on a coloring book for each kid for Christmas.

I decided to publish those too. We set up a haunted trail for Halloween so we could stay distanced and the kids wouldn’t have to go out trick or treating. They loved it and asked if we could do it after covid was over. I grabbed a photo of the blue hunters moon that night.

Thanksgiving came and we had our meal just my parents and I. My sister zoomed with the other grandparents but Thanksgiving has never been big in my family so we didn’t bother with zoom. Working at a movie theater has always meant having holidays around my work. I’ve been home for almost all the holidays this year and that has been a new experience.

Even as it got colder I made a point to get outside some. I started walking around our small farm for exercise. We’ve done curbside pick up for groceries since March. It’s been over nine months without seeing many other people or going anywhere. I’ve enjoyed the solitude but i miss going places too. I’ve been productive this year but haven’t really made much money.

My niece and nephew came back after Thanksgiving. My sister had to train new people and her schedule wouldn’t work out. We did school and Christmas crafts. Santa’s elf left them puzzle pieces to put together each night. I read all of our Christmas stories to them, all the picture books, The Little House Christmas Collection, and our American Girl Christmas books. We watched Christmas movies and I worried over how little I had for people for Christmas. I love to buy presents and this year I couldn’t do much. I made some cookies to add to everyone’s gifts. My niece and nephew went home for Christmas and we did our gift exchange the blustery night before Christmas eve in our carport all decorated up with greenery and a space heater.

We observed the conjunction of our planet with Jupiter and Saturn for the only time we’ll be able to see it, since it won’t happen aging for 800 years.

My dad came across an envelope in his sock drawer filled with pictures of his dad and his grandpa, our immigrant ancestor. I looked at my great grandpa who came here from Moravian Czech Republic, the Astro-Hungarian Empire then. He was standing beside his wife on their wedding day. There was something so eerie and fitting about seeing these people for the first time now. They both died in 1918 of the Spanish Flu orphaning my grandpa and his brother. I look at them and see something full circle about this in the midst of covid19. I am seeing the ones who didn’t survive but in the same pile of photos are my grandpa and his brother who did survive. I hope when all is said and done with this virus my family line doesn’t lose anyone this time.

Now the year is ending with the hopeful note of the vaccine and changes to come. The uncertainty of where I will seek employment once I get the vaccine still weighs on my mind. This year has been a gift as well as a hardship. I’ve learned so much about what is most important to me. I’ve learned that I don’t need all the things I would usually waste money on. I have created so much this year art, writing, food, quality time with family. I have forged new friendships, or perhaps they weren’t new just strengthened them, by staying in touch with co-workers by text. I have a cat that now thinks she needs treat whenever I go outside and follows me through the house. My sister gifted me a beautiful Christmas cactus that I love. I watch the blooms opening as I sit here writing this. Whatever 2021 brings I hope the perspective I have gained this year serves me in the future. I didn’t mention my constant worries when friends and acquaintances got the virus. I was blessed not have anyone in my life die but some were very very sick and hospitalized. I hope everyone’s 2021 is brighter and filled with the things that truly matter to us. I hope we have love and compassion for others as we go forward and try to rebuild our lives, businesses, and connections with friends. I wish everyone a happy and prosperous New year.

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