I Made It All Up!

I was thinking lately that I never put one of those disclaimer things in any of my books.  You know, the ones that clearly state that this is a work of fiction, that all characters are made up and the book's plot never actually happened to anyone anywhere.  I guess I simply assumed that it should go without saying that a book about a mysterious labyrinth full of monsters hidden far beneath a small, modern metropolis and an endlessly sprawling forest swarming with zombies was not a record of actual events.  But then again, I also recently expressed my concern about the growing number of stupid people in the world and that they will undoubtedly eventually be the end of us all…  So maybe I should make an official declaration confirming my work is, in fact, entirely fictional. 

After pondering over this for a while, I decided to have a little fun and write up a few of these disclaimers, but in an amusing style.  It was a great writing exercise and I was very pleased with my results.  I enjoyed myself so much, in fact, that I ended up writing more than thirty of them.  But then I was faced with the question of what to do with all of them.  In the end, I decided to simply list them here on my blog for everyone to enjoy. 

…So here they are.  Enjoy. 



From the desk of author Brian Harmon:

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Should you find any resemblance to yourself or someone you know, you're probably a sad and lonely individual in desperate need of the company of an actual human being.  You should really think about attending some sort of social activity.  I mean it.  People think you're creepy. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.  The world doesn't revolve around you, you know.  Get over yourself. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  They're not real.  Like that hot girlfriend you claimed you had in high school. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Should you find any resemblance to yourself or someone you know, perhaps the problem is that you know far too many people.  Seriously, back it off a little.  People are going to think you're easy. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Please don't attempt to contact them.  They probably wouldn't like you anyway, all getting into other people's business and stuff. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.  You didn't actually think it was real, did you?  How gullible are you?  People must take advantage of you all the time. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.  If you see your name in the pages of my book, I either have never met you or you weren't worth remembering.  Either way, it's not about you.  So, again, get over yourself. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Except for any really cool stuff that gets hot women really turned on.  That actually happened to me. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.  But the subliminal messages I hid in the text were real. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  So are you.  I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  It's all just an unattainable fantasy…like understanding women. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  You're not as attractive or as interesting as the characters you claim resemble you.  Seriously, you need to get over yourself. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Should you find any resemblance to yourself or someone you know, it is nothing more than a really freaky coincidence and just means that you or the someone you know is probably exceptionally awesome. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  It's all completely made up.  Except for that one character who was a real A-hole.  You know who you are.  And you saw what happened to you, so you'd better give me that twenty bucks you owe me. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  They're like Hugh Hefner's girlfriends.  Everything's fake.  But you still want to open the cover and look inside. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  According to my psychiatrist, I just made it all up and my life really isn't that interesting. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Especially all the hot, naked women.  Otherwise, my wife would've murdered me by now. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  It's like the Jersey Devil or the Chupacabra.  But not Bigfoot.  He's real.  And he makes the best snicker doodles. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  I lied, okay!  Get over it! 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  You don't actually know them.  You just think you do because I'm such a damn good writer.  

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is all in your head.  You should really get some psychiatric help.  It's not normal. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  But the cool stuff is all based on me. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  It was all a chocolate truffle cheesecake induced dream. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  It's not real.  It's not real.  The doctor says it's not real…

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.  Otherwise it would have to be about real life.  And I don't do reality very well.

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  It's only a coincidence that the victim in chapter nine who died the terrible, agonizing death resembled my old boss. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  It's just like those things you tell women in hopes of getting them to sleep with you.  And no, it doesn't work for me, either. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Except for the "About the Author" stuff.  Most of that is true. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  The people aren't who they claim to be and nothing ever actually gets done.  It's a lot like congress, really. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  I'm way too interesting and attractive to adequately describe in a book, so I just made some stuff up. 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  Sorry to disappoint you.  But on the bright side, so is Twilight.

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  And if I had based any of the characters on a real person, I certainly wouldn't have studied them thoroughly by way of hidden, closed-circuit cameras.  I mean that would just be weird… 

*All characters and events within my work are fictional.  If you should find yourself experiencing things that happened in one of my books, you should probably be concerned.  Especially if it's a scene that didn't end well for your character.  Someone with excellent taste in reading material might be out to get you. 



I hope this clears up any doubts you may have had.  If not, then I just don't know what to tell you.