Vary the intensity of verbs


Opening of a classic Harlan Ellison short story, "Along the ScenicRoute":
            Theblood-red Mercury with the twin-mounted 7.6 mm Spandaus cut George off as hewas shifting lanes. The Merc cut out sharply, three cars behind George, and thedriver decked it. The boom of his gas-turbine engine got through George'sbaffling system without difficulty, like a fist in the ear. The Merc sprayedJP-4 gook and water in a wide fan from its jet nozzle and cut back in, a matterof inches in front of George's Chevy Piranha.            Georgeslapped the selector control on the dash, lighting YOU STUPID BASTARD, WHAT DOYOU THINK YOU'RE DOING and I HOPE YOU CRASH & BURN, YOU SON OF ABITCH. Jessica moaned softly with uncontrolled fear, but George could not hearher: He was screaming obsenities.            Georgekicked it into Over-plunge and depressed the selector button extending therotating buzz-saws.

Let's take the first paragraph andweaken Ellison's verbs (leaving the adjectives untouched) to see how it deadensthe intensity:
            Theblood-red Mercury had twin-mounted 7.6 mm Spandaus. It was driving aggressivelywhen George first saw it. The Merc was moving sharply; first, it was three carsbehind George, then the driver started accelerating. The boom of hisgas-turbine engine was coming through George's baffling system withoutdifficulty. It was like a fist in the ear. JP-4 gook and water came out of theMerc's jet nozzle, spraying in a wide fan. Suddenly, the Merc was a matter ofinches in front of George's Chevy Piranha.
But don't make every verb glaring and howling for thereader's attention. Choose you the tone you need for the scene and VARY THETONE accordingly. Some scenes call for quiet prose and static description.
Here's the opening to Raymond Chandler's The Big Sleep:
            Itwas 11 o'clock in the morning, mid-October, with the sun not shining and a lookof hard, wet rain in the clearness of the foothills. I was wearing mypowder-blue suit, with dark blue shirt, tie and display handkerchief, blackbrogues, black wool socks with dark blue clocks on them. I was neat, cleanshaved and sober, and I didn't care who knew it. I was everything thewell-dressed private detective ought to be. I was calling on four milliondollars.
Good prose, like good music, is a matter of balance. Use strongverbs when you need them, the way acomposer uses loud, dramatic notes when he needs them, if only to make the hushof the soft ones more restful.
            
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Published on December 28, 2011 10:13
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Selling Storytelling

Mark Canter
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