(½) “I found out I was pregnant the day before my senior...

(½) “I found out I was pregnant the day before my senior year, and my parents took me to an adoption lawyer so that we could learn about the process. She showed us a box full of folders and pictures from families hoping to adopt. I spent months looking through family profiles, but nothing felt right. I don’t even know what I was looking for. Maybe I was looking for myself in ten years, someone who could raise my son like I wished I could. The one thing I knew was that I wanted an open adoption. I wanted to be part of my son’s life. But those arrangements weren’t common back then. Families would offer to send pictures, but not much more. And I don’t blame them for wanting to feel like their child belonged to them. But sometimes it felt like the focus was only on the baby. I was doing this huge number on myself emotionally, and I was expected to fall in line. But Kathy and Tom weren’t like that at all. When they came to our house, it was a completely different energy. Kathy kept saying: ‘Thank you so much for considering us. She explained that she’d miscarried many times. She didn’t try to negotiate. It was actually the opposite, she kept adding to my requests. When I asked if I’d be able to come over, she said: ‘I’d love for you to babysit.’ When I asked if I could see my son on his birthday, she said: ‘I was thinking family dinners.’ It was always: ‘Whatever makes you comfortable,’ and for the first time I felt seen. I called Kathy the next day and asked her if she’d adopt my baby. Over the next several weeks, we spent a lot of time together. We talked about the baby some, but it was mainly about me: my worries, my plans, my hopes. Aden arrived a month early, and Kathy handled the delivery with such grace. The entire time she was focused on my comfort level, and where I was emotionally. As soon as Aden was born, and they placed him on my chest, I said: ‘Please give him to his mom.’ Kathy let me buckle him in the car seat before they drove away. And I gave him a kiss, and it hurt so much. But I also felt so much relief. Then I felt immense guilt for feeling relief. Had I really done this for my child? Or had I done it to get myself off the hook?”