Dear Cassey: My boyfriend makes me feel insecure about how I look

Dear Cassey,
This is kind of complicated because this is about my boyfriend. We’ve been together for more than 7 years, and he’s a wonderful person. The only problem is that sometimes when I’m insecure with my body, he makes me feel MORE insecure.

He says things like “You need to workout,” “Don’t eat too much at night,” “I told you to eat healthier and you didn’t listen to me.”

I’ve never been in a long-term relationship before, so I don’t know if this kind of behavior is acceptable or not. Sometimes he says that I look fatter, or I get chubbier, or my stomach is bigger, but only when we’re alone. When we’re with other people, or he’s with other people and someone says I’m fat, he’ll defend me.

He’s confusing me, if you can’t tell. But yeah, he makes me uncomfortable and insecure but I know that he loves me. What should I do in this kind of situation?

Confused by Hurtful Comments

Dear Confused,

Okay. This might be hard to hear… but it is NEVER okay for ANYONE to call you fat. Especially someone who loves you. Pleeeeasseee talk to him about this ASAP. It’s hurtful and definitely not supportive.

It sounds like you’ve expressed to him that you’re insecure about your body, or maybe that you’d like to eat healthier or maybe lose weight. When he reminds you to workout or suggests things like not eating at night etc., that could definitely be his way of trying to help. But I think there is definitely a more positive way for him to say those things! Anything that makes you more insecure is only going to make your journey more difficult. The added stress isn’t necessary or helpful. Again, he might not realize that he’s hurting you. So like anything in a relationship – communicate, communicate, communicate!

But at the same time, hurtful comments are abusive and send the message that you’re not good enough. Even if it’s not his intention, it’s not something that you should “let go” or ignore.

Your partner should be cheering you on ALL the time. It’s good that he defends you in a public setting (but um…who is calling you fat anyways?! Not okay.), but I can definitely see where this is confusing you! Tell him. Then suggest some ways that he can support you from now on.

OR if you’re not ready to embark on any kind of fitness journey right now and you just need to work on your relationship with your body, TELL HIM. Because that is 10000% okay too. Tackling insecurity doesn’t always have to mean losing weight. A lot of times that process needs to start with learning how to love and embrace your body at any state. You’re not going to be able to do that if your partner is putting you down.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship therapist or anything like that, so I can’t give a ton of advice on where to go from here. But as your friend, please know that it’s not okay for him to say those things to you. Relationships are about support and acceptance. That should be your safe space where you feel the MOST secure. So have a conversation, and get help from a therapist if you need to (zero shame there). Hopefully, this gives you a little more clarity and confidence in what steps to take next!

Most importantly. Remember you are PERFECT as you are, and I’m here for you!

PS – If you have a burning question you want to ask me, I’m taking questions via text at 510-692-4556. Currently this only works for US and Canada. If you’re outside of those countries, you can leave a question below.

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