Seminarian: ‘I Want To Get Away’

This is heavy:

I’m trying to describe my experience in the seminary, dejection at the state of the Church, and my latest decision to try to leave. There is something good in these developments, but I don’t know how to express it best. Here’s what I wrote:

In the Church, truth and falsehood, good and evil have been replaced by liberal and conservative. I live in fear of being branded with the scarlet letter “C”. I have to weigh every word and action, and measure out the amount of hostility I attract to myself. All the while we hear constant rhetoric about diversity, inclusivity, and dialogue. They are the intolerant tolerant ones. All are welcome, but some are more welcome than others.


I feel like I am being gaslit by the psychologizing of religion. The implication is that sexual deviancy is caused by sexual repression. Those who advocate for obeying the commandments are blamed for people disobeying the commandments. Could there be a connection between those who are advocating for a more liberal sexual morality and those engaging in immoral sexual activity? I don’t know, I don’t feel safe asking the question, or speaking the obvious answer. Prick their consciences and they will attack.


I don’t feel good about the future of the Church. These cases of sexual abuse we are reading about happened before the age of internet pornography. I feel like chastity is discouraged in my formation program. We aren’t allowed to talk about sexual morality anymore. I don’t trust the men around me. The sexual scandals of the future are going to become much worse than the sexual scandals of the past. I used to believe the Church as restoring herself after a dark period, but I no longer have that hope.

I am currently in seminary, and I don’t want to represent the Church publicly. I’m sitting through courses on the sacraments of initiation, and I don’t want to welcome people into the Church. I wanted to be Catholic, and I was naive enough to believe the Church would support me. I wouldn’t recommend the Church to anyone. If you hope to believe and practice the Catholic faith, you will be beaten down by the Church.

After recent weeks, of news about Pope Francis endorsing civil unions for gay couples, of
seminary professors regularly contradicting the doctrines of the faith, of great dejection about the moral corruption of the Church occasioned by the McCarrick Report, and of listening to priests repeating ad nauseum talking points from the liberal Catholic media, one evening something switched in my mind, in a different way: I have to leave.

The feeling was simple, but difficult to describe. All I want is God, and I’ve travelled far enough down the road of my vocation that I am not interested in anything else. I want to be Catholic, but I have to get away from the Church. I want to believe and practice the Catholic faith, but I have to get away from these abusive Churchmen. I have to leave: the seminary, the Church, the World. I have to leave.

I remember, maybe inaccurately, reading you compare your feelings about leaving the Church to an animal chewing its leg off to escape a bear trap. My relief felt like deciding to leave an abusive relationship. I found some consolation in this interview between Joseph Sciambra and Steve Skojec. Their description (from 1h10min to 1h15min) of the low morale among the priesthood and psychological abuse through the seminary process mirrors my experience.

We have been so abused by the Church, sexually of course, but also spiritually, morally, liturgically, psychologically, etc. I’ve learned to survive by keeping my head down and my mouth shut. My heart is filled with resentment. I just wanted to be Catholic, but I am not welcome in the Church. The Church is not what she should be, and I hate what she is. My heart is filled with bitterness, and I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I’ve tried to leave the seminary several times, hoping to find a more supportive faith community, but my plans and attempts haven’t worked out. I am going to try, once again, to join a more cloistered and traditional monastery. I need some place where I can practice the faith, away from the world, and away from the Church. I don’t know what I will do if this latest attempt doesn’t work out, maybe become a homeless person, then I could maybe practice the faith in peace, maybe continue in seminary with my head down, my mouth shut, and my heart drowning in resentment. I don’t know.

You’ve often defended yourself against the criticism that the Benedict Option is advocating running for the hills. I want to run for the hills. I want to flee the world, and the Church. I want to get away.

Please pray for me, that God may provide a way.

First, let me ask you all to pray for this man. He is in torment. I know his real name, and I googled him. He’s at a large US seminary, which I will not identify to protect him.

Second, what counsel would you have for him? What words of encouragement? If you’re write something nasty to this man, I will not approve your comment. If you are a priest or religious, and would like to send a private letter for me to forward to him, please write me at rod — at — amconmag — dot — com.

If you are currently a seminarian, I welcome you to write with your own experiences, good, bad, or mixed. And not just Catholic seminarians. Are you struggling with your vocation? Or do you find seminary to be uplifting? What will your church be like, based on what you’re experiencing there. What got you through hard times?

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