Like most Republican politicians, Mitt Romney enjoys counting...

Like most Republican politicians, Mitt Romney enjoys counting his corporate bribe money and doing shots of neglected children's tears. Occasionally, to mix things up, he will try to kill a harmless dog by freezing it to death in a cage strapped to the roof of his gold-plated Mercedes-Benz.

Where he differs, however, is in his virginity.

Yes, he is "married with children"—and handsomely rewards the actors who play those roles, too—but that is simply his cover as he conducts research on this planet for the Big Giant Head.

His continuing mission? To seek out archaic human philosophies, to boldly propound them, and to lose the Presidential Election of 2012.