Rules for Dating a Writer
With Valentine's Day approaching, I felt the need to write this blog for the people who may be in a desperate situation. If you, or someone you know, has been or is in love with a writer, they should read this blog as quickly as possible.
Before the explosion of social networking sites, and knowing that one in five relationship start online, it can be difficult to identify us. In real life situations, it was easy to pick out the writers. He was the guy in the corner whose clothes just weren't right, she was the snotty girl who could not stop talking, but no one could really tell you what you were rambling about. Then you have those possers who actually claim to be writers. Those dark and mysterious wannabes think that by reciting John Keats poems they learned in high school, would serve as automatic panty removers. The problem with that one is, it typically works. For whatever reason, women like to fix dark and mysterious . . . especially if it's good looking. My plan is the try and clear things up for everyone.
Rules for Dating a Writer
1. All writers are like schizophrenic eight year olds: Writers are selfish, self-centered egotistical beings that lie for a living and are really only comfortable when dealing with the voice inside their heads. That doesn't mean we are bad people, we just want to be patted on the head and fed jello sometimes (we love strawberry and little chucks of pineapple).
2. All writers want the hear the truth (unless it's something they don't want to hear): As writers, we all want to believe our writing is good, but we know better. In the span of five minutes and a cup of coffee, we can go from the next Lee Child to being an ebook author who can't give his work away for free. There is going to come a time when he wants you to critique something. DON'T DO IT! Come down with a serious case of the stomach flu and lock yourself in the bathroom. You can't win. If you tell him it's good, he won't believe you because you don't want to hurt his feelings. If you don't like it, either you are jealous of his tremendous talents or it's something personal and you really don't like him as a PERSON and you want to break up. Now, I've never been guilty of this one . . . it's only a coincidence that my ex-girlfriends have been blocked from leaving comments on this post.
3. The best time to start a relationship with a writer is just before the pen hits paper on a new project: This is the time to strike. He's not too high like in the beginning, not too low like he can be in the middle, and not the absolute jerk who can't focus on anything until his book is finally done. Once that book is done, he is a bit vulnerable and needing some affirmations. There will be some brightness in his eyes and sparks of ideas fill his head. If you play your cards right, he will associate you with that great new idea. Be patient because when he actually starts the new project, you'll be back on the roller coaster. DisneyWorld should name a roller coaster, The Writer, because there are no words to describe the highs and lows that we will take you.
4. Writing is the wife/husband, writer's block is the one who got away: Writing is what he thinks about as he falls asleep. Writing gives him peace, security, serenity, and that warm feeling in the pit of his stomach. He is married to his words, but from time to time will allow you to be has mistress. He will run from your arms and lay your dreams and desires at her feet. Don't feel bad. You will probably read about your time together in a book or short story. Sometimes the names are changes to protect the innocent.
Writer's block is like his old high school prom date. She was anything that occupied his time before writing came along. Though he is perfectly happy being married to writing, he wonders what life would have been like if had never began this journey with words. When the words give him the silent treatment and he is staring off into space or at a blank screen, he is thinking, "What if I had played football . . ."
5. Even when we don't make sense, we do: As writers, we like order and things that make sense. Now, my desk may look an explosion of notes, pens and papers, but I know where everything is. So, when he says that you didn't do anything wrong and he is mad because he can't find a certain pen, it doesn't make sense to you. I say this as a man who has driven to multiple retail and office supplies stores in search of a Zebra NuSpiral 0.7 fine tipped black pen . . . anyway. Sometimes, we get upset over silly things that make no sense to anyone in the world. We need order and . . . fine, black pens.
In all seriousness, it can be terribly difficult to love a writer. Take it from me, once you get past our childish, selfish nature, we are fiercely loving and loyal. We are insightful and inspiring. We desperately want to be loved with the same passion and intensity we have inside ourselves.
This blog should have been written by Tabitha King, but she was too busy loving her husband.
Filed under: Family Life, Journal, Writing
