When Nothing But Unnecessarily Large Tanuki Testicles Will Do

You’ve probably seen these adorable tanuki figures outside of your favorite Japanese bar or restaurant, but did you happen to notice how, er, well endowed they are?

[image error]

Yeah. Can’t unsee. Now that you know to look, it’s amazing you never noticed before, right? But nobody celebrated these giant gonads more inventively than Edo period artists. You might not think that having a giant hairy ballsack would be a particularly useful body part, but Japanese woodblock artist Kuniyoshi delighted in imagining how the well-endowed tanuki might wield such a gift to its advantage…

[image error] Naturally, tanukis can save on gym memberships because they have their own built-in kettlebells



[image error] And big hairy testicles definitely keep them warm in the winter, making it unnecessary to invest in mufflers, blankets, sleeping bags, or a kotatsu table quilts



[image error] A naturally large protective ballsack comes in handy, should a tanuki get caught in the rain…



[image error] …or need some shade when offering fortune-telling services



[image error] and shopkeeping tanukis have no need to buy signage when hanging out their shingles



[image error] Should a ruffian be encountered, monster scrotum to the rescue!



[image error] Although it would be a mistake not to pay protection money to the local tanuki gang



[image error] And in times of sickness, a testicular privacy screen comes in handy for doctor visits



[image error] When catching eels, a ballsack net expands to fit the job



[image error] and of course, the world’s heaviest testicles do come in handy when reeling in the world’s largest catfish



[image error] When hunting geese, flinging a giant scrotum at them is sure to knock a few from the sky



[image error] At festival time, tanuki testicles can be wheeled through the streets, representing the heros usually enshrined on floats



[image error] …and there’s nothing quite like a scrotum drum to keep the dance beat at O-bon



[image error] Boys’ Day games are always better with giant testicles that resemble koi nobori fish flags



[image error] And what could be scarier than being chased by a giant gonad ghost?



[image error] At new year’s, there’s the traditional (OUCH) pounding of hairy tanuki ball mochi…



[image error] …and what could promise better luck in the coming year than a giant hairy Daruma figure made from, yes, tanuki balls

The reason scrotally well-endowed tanuki figures are so often found outside businesses in Japan is that tanukis are known as shape-shifting tricksters who can deceive everyone from shopkeepers to brothel owners into taking worthless dry leaves for payment. Apparently, putting a tanuki outside the door fools other marauding tanukis into thinking one of their kind is already preying on the patsies inside.

And the reason their balls have grown to be so legendary in size is that goldsmiths used to wrap chunks of gold in tanuki testicle hide to pound them into the thinnest of gold leaf. Because this tanuki leather was so tough, it was said to be able to stretch the gold into a sheet large enough to cover eight tatami mats. Wallets made of tanuki hide became popular, because it was believed they could stretch other kinds of money as effectively as they stretched gold, and the depiction of the tanuki’s bodacious ballsacks stretched along with the legend.

•

And although tanuki tackle plays no significant part in The Last Tea Bowl Thief...

“The brilliance of this novel sneaks up on you as the pieces of its puzzle come together.” —Mac Salman, Tokyo Authority

[image error] For three hundred years, a missing tea bowl passes from one fortune-seeker to the next, changing the lives of all who possess it… read more

•

[image error]

Jonelle Patrick writes novels set in Japan, produces the monthly newsletter Japanagram, and blogs at Only In Japan and The Tokyo Guide I Wish I’d Had