The Last Joke Is True

I have said in the past that I walk around four to five miles every morning. Today was the first day I started to run for exercise. Of course, after three miles of a hard sprint, I had to turn around and say, "OK lady. Here's your purse back."
 I wanted to take my grandson to the San Diego Zoo, but the lady at the ticket counter said I would need three tickets. I asked, "What for?" She said, "One for your grandson, and two for you." I asked, "Two for me?" She said, "Yes. You're so damn ugly with that beard, somebody is going to think you're an animal. You'll need a ticket to get in, and one to get out."
 My wife and I decided to get million dollar life insurance policies on each other, afterwards, she bought a handgun.

I was walking by the river this afternoon when I saw this blond lady on the opposite side. I asked her, "How do I get on the other side of the river?" She said, "You are on the other side."
 I was out for a drink with my wife last night and I said, "I love you." She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking" I said, "It's me. I'm talking to the beer"!
I saw a female police officer pull over a drunk driver. I heard her say, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law." The drunk driver said, "Breasts!"
I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. Its not going too well for me though. I'm seeing less and less of her, all the time. 
I have a problem with golfing. The slow people are always in front of me and the fast people always behind me.
 I received a bill from the local high school stating that one of the books my daughter returned at the end of the year had water damage and I had to pay sixty dollars for it. My daughter said,"That's impossible, I never opened that book all year!"
This is,
Telling You That The Last Joke Is A True Story,
Jim Hauenstein, And, You Only Live Once, But If You're Doing It Right, Once Is Enough!- Mae West -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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