From Fear to Freedom, and On Being Thrillified

If I Could Go Back…

I’ve often said there are things I would do differently. My friends and I have often wondered out loud about redoing seasons of our lives with the wisdom born of experience from the last several decades. If I could go back to 18-year-old me and give her advice. I would gently nudge her to hold on to her spirit, but perhaps avoid certain situations/people, and I would tell her to travel more, not less. I would coach her on setting boundaries. Finally, I would talk to her about finances and investments, including the return on investments, especially when investing in yourself. I would encourage her to always think about how she wanted to show up for herself and the world, and to plant the seed that it’s always possible to move from fear to freedom.

Getting Laid Off



Sometimes you end up on the menu

When I was laid off from my corporate career, I was mortified and thrilled. I guess I was thrillified. I was mortified knowing that this path and journey I had been on for the 20 years was somehow over. The predictability of my days and the stability of my paycheck had carried me through almost half of my entire life and suddenly that system and routine were just…gone. I was scared. I was fearful about health insurance. How was I going to replace a steady income? I was afraid of what people might think about me if I didn’t actually find a new job with the same title and responsibility. Somehow I was ashamed that I hadn’t achieved the “level” I originally wanted to achieve. I was upset that I had disappointed myself and my kids be losing my income.

And in the same instant, I was thrilled. I felt as if an imaginary but very real tether had been cut from my neck. I was free. FREE. I had permission to walk away from an institution that had evolved into something I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of any longer. All of a sudden, I wasn’t required to show up to sit at a desk at a certain time. I didn’t have to speak a certain way, or use words like “table steaks” or “soften the beach head” or any of the other en vogue corporate phraseology. I was moving from fear to freedom. At the same time I felt all the fear of uncertainty, I also felt all the freedom of possibility.

Divorce



Find Your Sunshine

Losing my job thrillified me in the same way my divorce did. My then husband and I were not happy. The entire divorce process was a nightmare, for both of us, I’m sure. I was mortified at all of it, as I’m sure he was. And, as I’m sure, others were, as well. This is how it is with divorce. It’s scary to face the unknown and to have to figure things out while also having to navigate conversations with others about the whole situation. It’s painful. Yet through every day of uncertainty, I began to see glimmers of possibility–the sunshine after the storm.

Eventually we made it to the end of the process. I wanted the stormy divorce proceedings to be over. I needed to feel the sunshine–to feel free of the chaos of the storm. We finished dividing the things and our time. I moved to my new apartment. I needed my mind to calm down so my soul could figure out how to heal. Eventually, after the exhaustion of the entire process, I took baby steps to move out of fear and into the freedom of reclaiming my life.

Divorce changed everything. Those changes forced me to figure out a new blueprint for my life. The family I had imagined as a child was different than the reality of my new family structure, and the unknowns of navigating divorced family life had never before been a part of my vision. Everything was different…somehow the same but completely different.

I tried to put into my mind what it might look like in the future. Someday we will be able to have dinner all together again. Maybe at some point I would invite my ex husband and his new family over for holidays, and it will be beautiful, because that would mean there are more people to love the kids. Perhaps in the future we would all be friends and celebrate not only the milestones, but also the journey for all the things the kids are becoming.

Some divorced families work like that. Ours is not quite that vision. We do our best. We keep moving forward.

Moving From Fear to Freedom



How are you moving from fear to freedom?

The timeline and milestones in my new life blueprint are guideposts. They evolve. The guideposts are incredibly different than what I imagined when I was just coming out of college. Sometimes I hit the milestones. Sometimes I have to change them or move them altogether. For example, I had planned to retire with the company that laid me off. After that transition, I returned as a contractor. After 4 months, they laid me off again! The Universe was clearly trying to tell me something. I took some time to sit in stillness, lift my palms up and ask: “What will you have me learn?”

What I’m learning on this journey, is that I now have the opportunity to create a new path.

Despite the fear and uncertainty, the gift of the moment is to remember the wide-eyed-wonderment of 18-year-old me. There is wisdom in recapturing her dreams, blessed with the seasoned wisdom of 43-year-old me. Today I look at job postings and assess both the role/comp, and the values of the company. I consider whether the culture might be a good fit. I explore whether I will be allowed to live authentically, with opinions and ideas and challenges to the status quo. Are the women in the organization valued and compensated fairly? I want to know if there are at least 50% women serving in leadership roles and board positions. I take time to assess and review the company for which I might work. Maybe I do it even more than they take the time to assess and review me.

This exchange of my precious time for money and insurance has become a new type of dance. It’s a dance where we both take turns leading. But now, I ultimately decide whether or not we will move to the music, in sync, together.

Forty-three-year-old me is savoring the moments that 25-year-old me did not experience.

While I’m “in between” jobs, I’m taking the time to watch my (now teenage) babies do what they do. I’m watching them shoot hoops, play video games, bounce on the trampoline, longboard, play with the dogs, give each other advice, bake and cook and make a mess of the kitchen, and learn how to clean up. We are going up north and enjoying hiking and lake time with their cousins and the rest of my family.

I’m treasuring up these moments and holding them tightly. When they were (actual) babies, I was consumed with working. I was distracted with paying bills and student loans and making sure we had health insurance. Now I want to be consumed with them. Our life is not what I once imagined, but it is our life. Now that I’m home, I’m an actual participant in it rather than a facilitator or financier. There’s a big difference.

At this point in the journey, there is no return to normal. What existed before will never exist again—nor was it, actually, normal. In this new freedom there is opportunity to carve a new path, one that is built on values and purpose. This new path is a perfect blend of hope for all that is to be. This new path is blessed with the wisdom of real life experience. I’m thrillified to step into the adventure of life with my eyes wide open.

You can read more about Candy’s real life adventures in her book, Finding Life In Between…A Journal For Me, to You.

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Candy Leigh is a Women’s Empowerment Coach and Author. Schedule a complimentary discovery call if you’d like to partner with Candy for 1×1 coaching, book club discussions, or consulting/speaking engagements.

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