I Have COVID-19 and Things are not “FINE”

In line for COVID-19 testing

When I write, I try to be open to the flow and let the words come through me so I can be a conduit for messages that might land on the hearts of readers and hopefully motivate them to action. But lately, I’ve sucked at it. I’ve been struggling to write anything for the last few weeks. While I’ve been inspired by a few things, every time I start writing, I stop…consistently disappointed in my lack of creativity.

Editing my manuscript has been my focus, but even that has been challenging. I do a little work, and then put it away to think more deeply about the editor’s feedback. And I’ve been mentally preoccupied with the concept of toxic positivity, which I’m seeing pop up everywhere, including in my own life. I’m busy with the reality of life and kids and activities and going back to school and dealing with a world health pandemic, just like pretty much everyone has, but, now, I have another issue. I have COVID-19.

COVID-19

I tested positive for COVID-19 on July 16, but I didn’t get my results until July 20. On the one hand, for me, it’s not a big deal. It’s like a bad cold. But on the other hand, it’s awful. I had a fever for 3-4 days, which turned into massive congestion and nonstop crackling ears. Even though I now feel relatively normal, I have a constant headache that always almost goes away, and I’m exhausted.

For example, when I walk the dogs I have to repeatedly stop (on a route I used to jog with no problem) because I’m out of breath. I start cleaning the kitchen and I need to rest for a few minutes before finishing up. There is no real care (or cure!) for the virus except reporting symptoms to the health department and taking over-the-counter medicine. Most people’s symptoms eventually go away. Some people’s do not. It’s different for everyone and it’s scary.

Puppy snuggles make everything at least a little bit better

I keep telling myself that I know I can get through this. I’m healthy. I have no underlying concerns or conditions. I expect to make a full recovery. But more than that, I will be fine because that’s what I always do and how I always am…I’m fine.

But today, I’m not fine. I’m angry. And I am going to sit in my anger for a bit to let it motivate me to do what I need to do next, which is take action.

In the meantime, I’m finding it incredibly interesting that some people keep saying things to me like, “I didn’t know you had COVID-19? Who gave it to you?” “Oh, it will be fine! Things always work out.” “Stay strong!” “Stay positive!” “You got this!” “Oh hon, sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling well, but you know you’ll be fine!” “Girl, you’ve got a great attitude.” “I love your outlook. You can handle anything!”

This, my friends, is toxic positivity in its simplest, purest, most well-intended form. This is the denial and minimization of my human experience and my emotional reaction to my situation, which is having a genuine health issue during a world health pandemic. And now, in addition to being angry and sad about becoming a statistic in a crisis that could have been at least managed if not fully prevented, I am expected to be outwardly fine, and take on the burden of “your” anticipated optimism.

Great. Sure, Karen. I’m already f’ing exhausted but allow me to put on my mask of happiness and cloak of emotional invisibility while my body is busy fighting the aftermath of this virus, just so you feel more comfortable in my feigned optimism because that’s what you’re used to from me.