Let’s Talk to Each Other…
Life can be good one day to the next–and then we hit that proverbial bump in the road. Lately, those bumps have increased, and you are looking ahead to a serious argument you have to have with an adult child, an old friend, your spouse, and the result–you keep putting it off.
Few of us like confrontation, but there are ways to prepare. There are advice columns that often use a scenario to zero in on a communication problem. But they usually aren’t helpful. YOUR PARTICULAR SITUATION does not fit the article, the circumstances.
A PSYCHOLOGIST OFFERS GREST RULES
In this time of stress that is bearing down on us and our families, it’s best to consider general rules for good communication. The following is taken from THE NOT-SO- SECRET SECRET TO GOOD, OPEN, EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION.
Stay with the HERE and NOW instead of talking about another time or a different place.
Don’t say “it” when you mean “I”. Don’t say “you” when you mean “Me.” Be responsible, own your feelings, your words.
WHAT and HOW are much more important than WHY.
WHY can become an endless game of avoiding talking about NOW. “WHY did you slam the door? WHY didn’t you call? WHY did you take her side?”
Recognize the difference between a NEED, a WANT and a SHOULD. Know your priorities. Often compromise means give and take.
Talk with people and not about them. Talking about someone who is present is a put-down. Talking about someone who is not present is an avoidance. Just talking about can become gossip and doesn’t support your feelings. Actually, it is not a true form of communication. It is usually a way of avoiding THE NOW.
QUESTIONS INTO STATEMENTS
When you can, change your questions into statements. Say what you feel; what you think; what you want; who you are. Then invite the other to share. Questions tend to be manipulative and can be editorials in disguise. It is probably no accident that a question mark is shaped like a hook–which often demands and commands a statement that could be punctuated by the bat-shaped exclamation point.
TIPS TO FOLLOW DURING YOUR TALK
Flexibility, self-awareness and a sense of humor help communication. But being too polite can be the enemy of intimacy.
REMEMBER: You are real, so is the person you are speaking with. Don’t turn either of you into an object. Respect each other’s humanity. Get as close as you dare. Begin with I before you use you. Address people by name. Speak with people not at them.
Don’t say You always. Or: Why don’t you ever… No behavior is permanent or forever.
Be aware of how you speak as well as what you say.
Use whole sentences instead of starting in the middle or leaving your thoughts unfinished or interrupting yourself.
Recognize that YES BUT really means no…..that saying you are trying is not doing or succeeding. And there is a difference between what you feel (really know inside yourself) and what you think (you imagine what is going on inside the other person).
FINAL IDEAS FOR GOOD COMMUNICATION
When agreeing, check that you understand the other person as she wishes to be understood. Interpreting and analyzing are not the same as understanding.
Don’t talk down to people. When you say I see, I hear you, I understand, make sure the person you are talking to interprets those words in the same way you do.
Words, even when understood, may be lies–but behaviors usually speak the truth. Strive for harmony at the nonverbal as well as the verbal levels. We read SIGNS not MINDS. Be aware of mixed messages, your own as well as the other person’s.
ALL TRUST IS ULTIMATELY SELF-TRUST.
Be honest with yourself; be aware of the messages you give yourself. Make sure you know the difference between I can’t and I won’t. I’m afraid to, instead of I’d like to but …
Be tolerant. There can be honest differences of opinion and of perspective. And remember that these are rules and not Commandments. To follow them slavishly or to use them as a weapon is to sabotage their potential value. Because paradoxes do exist in nature and in human interactions. None of us gets everything we strive for, and the quest for perfection is the most common obstacle to success.
So…BE TOLERANT. There can be honest differences of opinion and of perspective. SUMMARY:
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
BE WHO YOU ARE.
LET YOUR WORDS, FEELINGS and ACTION ALL MATCH.
VALUE OPENNESS while RESPECTING PRIVACY.
AND KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
Copyright 1972 , 1981, 1986 Herbert S. Roth, PhD.
ART: PWorsley Pinterest
