Heaven – Does It Freak Anyone Else Out?

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I am proud to say I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I am hopeful that He can use me now. I am encouraged to know that He is with me now.

When I think about Heaven, I don’t get the warm, fuzzy feeling. I get the feelings that cause anxiety, fear and worry.

So I try not to think about it.

I think it freaks me out because my mind is finite and I cannot picture an existence of eternity with a smile. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that it will go on and on and on. Even now, typing this sentence, I just got a chill. So I had to stop writing and focus on something else.

I wish I was content with the idea. I wish I could sit back and feel peace. But I can’t.

I’ve had multiple people who have tried to help me on this journey and one person sat in my living room and said, “Eric, think of a time that you never wanted it to end. What’s your favorite place that you never want to leave. That is what Heaven will be like.”

I loved that idea. But once again, it was just an idea my finite mind was fine with in small quantities, but after thinking of being at my favorite place forever—well, it freaked me out again.

My mind pictures Heaven as a runner on a track. I love to run. But no matter how many circles I make on the track, I can’t get off. It’s like the Spinning Tea Cups ride at Disney World. I love the ride and it makes me think of childhood, but I can’t envision riding it forever.

Will I ever want to get off the ride in Heaven?

And in Heaven, there is no getting off.

If you said I had to keep riding it, I would feel like it was a prison sentence.

I think that is what freaks me out.

So many movies have evil sorcerers that want to be immortal. But usually, they regret their decision after so many centuries. Think of a movie when the immortal is happy?

I can’t think of any.

I think that is why I cannot feel relief with the concept or immortality.

With the Christian faith so many people run to the notion of Heaven. But I run to the notion of having Jesus now.

I don’t want to think of Heaven while I’m on earth. Everyone has a different opinion of it. I’ve heard the stories of streets of gold and crystal seas, but that may not be how Heaven really is. That is just how John described what he saw. If we showed him an imagine of an airplane, how would he describe it because I’m definite he wouldn’t say the word airplane or jet.

So does Heaven really have the golden bricks? To me it doesn’t matter how Heaven looks.

I just know I want to be there. At least, I want to think I want to be there.

Hopefully when I get there all my fears and worries will vanish and I won’t have the irrational fear of eternity.

But until that day, anytime Heaven pops into my head I will continue to do things to switch my attention. I use math problems.

2+2=4

4+4=8

8+8=16

And so on.

You know what is interesting or maybe freakish, I use an infinite math problem to solve my infinity issues because numbers will continue forever. Just like Heaven. There will never be an end to math.

I wish that could give me some peace to know there are some things that are infinite, but it doesn’t. It just makes me feel more small. No matter how high I get in the problem I know that I will never get to the end of it. And I eventually just stop.

I think that is what gives me fear. Will there come a time when God will just say, okay, I’ve had enough of you and wipe me from existence. I know that isn’t a rational thought because from what I know of God that isn’t possible, but when talking about eternity, rationality isn’t easily grasped. There are many more what ifs than there are facts with Heaven.

My mind doesn’t like what if’s. My mind likes factual findings with supporting documentation that can be graphed and compiled into a research project. I like neat.

To me Heaven gets really messy when time isn’t on a line, but more like a blob. I love the idea how C.S. Lewis said it, but as I try to figure it out, my mind gets tied up in knots of finding the end to the never end ring. To me everything has to have an end. A string has an end, but when it is tied, it forms a circle. A continuous circle…but in its true form, it had an end. A jewelry can make a perfect gold band to symbolize eternity, but it wasn’t found in a ring form, it was melted into that form.t

I think that is another reason I cannot grasp the idea of Heaven. Because I have never felt anything with that much bigness and magnitude that I can compare to it.

So maybe one day I’ll understand it.

So, if you get a cold sweat thinking of Heaven, you’re not alone.

Or maybe everyone is fine with it and I’m just odd.

Peace