small things
Small things have brought me so much joy this week. I can usually tell when I’m having a disproportionate response to something—usually it’s rage and I’m able to rein myself in long enough to ask what’s at the core of my anger. But I’ve never really questioned why certain things make me so, so happy. I tried starting a poem this week but it’s not really going anywhere. I’m not sure I want to interrogate joy in this particular moment; I’m just happy it’s possible and available to me. This morning no dogs are barking and no leaf blowers are destroying the peace. The quiet of this neighborhood is astonishing and I plan to head out soon to explore the farmer’s market downtown. Find hot apple cider and write: that’s my goal for the day. I spent a good part of yesterday organizing The Witch’s Apprentice. It’s partly a way to ease myself into real writing and it also provides a road map; I now know where I’m going, and what research I have to do. I’ve almost filled out my cast of characters, though a few remain unnamed, but each day I hear their voices more clearly. I had three appointments at the clinic this week and it felt good to catch up on some of the things I postponed when the pandemic began. I was surprised to learn that I’m anemic, but my doctor prescribed iron pills so I won’t bother trying to add red meat to my diet. The vegan challenge lasts one more week; when it ends, I’ll add back salmon and tuna. The doctor felt diet alone couldn’t boost my levels so I’ll take the supplements and see how I feel. I actually nap less now than I used to but I do crash around 8pm in the evening. We’ll see if I have more energy in the coming weeks. Finding a kind, competent doctor makes a such a difference—and the clinic is within walking distance, they serve a diverse population, my test results were posted within 24 hours, and they offered alternative facilities in case the ones they prefer don’t accept my insurance. I left my appointment on Friday beaming and got to the garden in time to help out for an hour. Then I accidentally doused myself with the hose and so went home shivering but saw a bunny just a block from my building. On Tuesday the Super stopped by to show me where the laundry room is and gave me her own key when mine proved defective. That made me happy. But what pushed me over the edge was sitting for an hour in the clean, warm basement, reading my book as the shiny new machines ran through their cycles. I have two bouquets in my home because I kept shopping during the week even though the fridge was full. On Tuesday—strike day—I met a friend in the park (we now have a regular bench we’ve claimed as our own) and we talked for close to three hours. The sun was blazing so we stripped off our coats and debated the benefits and risks of making sovereignty a priority. Last week I made the mistake of putting my new book cover on social media; I asked, “Do you prefer Cover A or Cover B?” and immediately got people critiquing the font, the photo, and the overall design…for my artist friend, that kind of feedback is valuable. Not for me. If I ask, “Do you like this dress or this one?” and you tell me to lose ten pounds so I can wear pants instead, that’s not helpful to me. Maybe you’re right–maybe I *would* look better if I dressed a different way. But I already made my choice…so why did I seek validation? Sovereignty, to me, isn’t just about control—it’s about freedom. Because a free person would be satisfied with her own decisions and willing to live with the consequences. But someone who depends on the opinions of others isn’t free. When a woman rejects others’ opinions, then she’s considered arrogant. Not independent. Not confident. Not free…
The leaves are falling and so is the temperature…it’s nice to wake up to an apartment made cozy but warm radiators. All of this feels like abundance. Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up and I imagine COVID will change how people celebrate the holiday. But nothing can stop us from practicing gratitude every day. My To Do list is long but the list of things I’m grateful for is longer…
