Michael’s Three Laws of Computers

Hmmm,
can Asimov’s Laws be applied to computers?

The IT department
where I work sent out a notification on Friday that a major upgrade would be
carried out over the weekend. I grimaced at the idea. The last time they did a
major upgrade my laptop refused to connect to the network. No amount cajoling,
cursing or threats of physical violence (yes, there were many) made any
difference.

These
notifications always come with instructions to back up all files on the shared
drive. But there is nowhere near enough space allocated per person for all my
files. Cramming all my files into the allocated space is akin to trying to
stuff an elephant into a sweat sock.

Whenever
I face this situation, I think of science fiction author Isaac Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics that were devised
to keep robots under control.

First Law of Robotics: A robot may not injure a human being or, through
inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Second
Law of Robotics: A robot
must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would
conflict with the First Law.

Third Law
of Robotics: A robot
must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict
with the First or Second Law.

I
hereby declare my own parallel Three Laws
of Computers to keep these devices in check.

Michael’s
First Law of Computers: A
computer may not handcuff a human being or, through technical glitches, cause a
human being to become annoyed.

My computer must do exactly what
it is supposed to do without ever running aground. I hear you saying that is
unreasonable. Here’s the thing: I don’t
care. The damn thing is supposed to make my life easier. When it doesn’t, I
reserve the right to curse it out seven ways to Sunday.

Michael’s
Second Law of Computers: A computer
must flawlessly execute every command given to it by a human being, except
where such commands conflict with the First Law.

My computer must do whatever I
tell it to do. Those pop-up error messages are forbidden. I hear you saying
that is unreasonable. Here’s the thing: I
don’t care. The damn thing is supposed to make my life easier. When it
doesn’t, I reserve the right to beat it with a stick.

Michael’s
Third Law of Computers: A computer
must protect its own viability as long as such protection does not conflict with
the First or Second Law.

My computer must protect itself
from ever crashing for any reason whatsoever. I hear you saying that is
unreasonable. Here’s the thing: I don’t
care. The damn thing is supposed to make my life easier. When it doesn’t, I
reserve the right to toss it down a flight of stairs.

A computer crash is a metaphor for the device breaking down beyond
repair. I hereby declare that metaphor illegal. I hear you saying that is
unreasonable….

~ Now
Available Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting
Muskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is also
the author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel which
was a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s
website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com .

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