Addicts – Masters at Compartmentalization
I was the definition of a hypocrite. I professed that I wanted to live for God and proclaimed that I believed in pure living and respecting women. I had never made a pass at another woman or kissed another woman, so I did not see myself as a hypocrite. In my confused, muddled thinking, I had compartmentalized my sin. I did not realize that pornography was like radiation, contaminating every corner of my life.
After I confessed my sin to my wife, I asked myself: “How could I have done something so unthinkable, to inflict such tremendous pain upon the love of my life, the person to whom I promised to be faithful and true?” But that’s just it. I didn’t think. In my own head, I pretended that this was my private problem and I was dealing with it the best I could. At the same time, I was trying to convince myself that it didn’t touch the other parts of my life.
What kind of man was I? While I would never have admitted it, my actions showed that I was: uncaring, unfeeling, blind, stupid, ignorant, malicious, selfish, perverted, obsessed, afraid, proud, alone, self-deluded, lost . . .
Addicts are masters at compartmentalization. The dictionary says “compartmentalization is a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.”
In my mind, I was a good, godly man, a good father, and a caring, faithful husband—I just had this problem in one area of my life. I had erected a wall of lies around this behavior. This allowed me to lust after women in my mind and yet hold on to the belief that I was one of the “good guys” because I had not reached out to another woman on a physical level.
I was lost in denial. Treating a human being as an object for one’s own sexual satisfaction is a monstrosity. When I convinced myself that looking at pictures didn’t hurt anyone, I was only deceiving myself. How was I able to brainwash myself into believing that my fascination with pornography did not qualify as betrayal and adultery? Because this is what I wanted to believe. I had to close my eyes to the truth in order to live with myself.
My infatuation with porn caused me to close my eyes to the true nature of my actions and the consequences of my sins. By “putting my sin in a box” I deceived myself into thinking that what I did in private, behind closed doors, had no effect on my relationships with other people. Yes, I had a problem, but I was working on it and I was going to fix it.
In my self-imposed blindness, I thought my struggles with pornography were not really affecting my life as a whole.
My wife saw right through all of this. She did not have any problem seeing the truth. My entanglement with pornography permeated everything, and she saw how my whole life had been contaminated. In her mind, our entire 31-year marriage had been one big lie. I was a fake; I had been living a lie.
I realized it would devastate my wife if she found out. I knew it was wrong before God. I understood all of this, but only to the extent that I was too embarrassed and ashamed to confess my sin to anyone; I didn’t take it seriously enough to actually do anything about it. I wasted so much time.
I was leading a double life. Sometimes I think I was not much different from a serial killer whose family and neighbors are all in shock when they finally learn what he did in secret.
Today I understand that addiction by definition is an irrational state. Psychology Today puts it this way:
“Addiction is a condition in which a person engages in the use of a substance or in a behavior for which the rewarding effects provide a compelling incentive to repeatedly pursue the behavior despite detrimental consequences.”
In his book, Reliving the Passion (p. 25), Walter Wangerin, Jr. declared:
“My denial of my sin protects, preserves, perpetuates, that sin. Ugliness in me, while I live in illusions, can only grow the uglier.”
Edward T. Welch, the author of Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave (p. 35), wrote:
“Addiction is bondage to the rule of a substance, activity, or state of mind, which then becomes the center of life, defending itself from the truth so that even bad consequences don’t bring repentance, and leading to further estrangement from God.”
This certainly describes my situation when I was in the throes of the addictive cycle of doom.
Part of me was walking around in the darkness, hanging back in the shadows. I was always afraid of the light and what the light would reveal. Now I see how the light I had feared was the light I so desperately needed, in order to begin to understand where I was, what I had been doing for so long, and find a way out of this whole predicament. I was living in a fog. This fog cut off my vision of everything—the bad and the good. I need the light that reveals my sins because this same light shows me the path to peace and joy!
In my double life, it seemed as if there was the real me that loved my wife and my family and the church, but another me who was controlled by my desires. It took me far too long to discover how to manage these emotions and these feelings, in order to not be the victim, destined to do what I don’t want to do, but I know I’m going to do because I’ve done it so many times before.
I read verses like Ephesians 4:18 “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them.” and Philippians 3:19 “Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things”. Yet I never imagined these verses applied to me and my condition. I was totally off base on this subject, accepting a condition which was unacceptable. I lived in a perplexing state of darkness. My emotions and desires were out of control, taking charge of this area of my life. My habitual sin felt like it had a mind of its own. Without a doubt, the “god of pornography” sat on the throne of my heart.
Today my heart overflows with gratitude that somehow the Lord touched my heart and moved me to seek help. Slowly I began to see the light and discover all the truths I have mentioned here.
If you have been fooling yourself and living like a hypocrite there is hope for you to. The truth can and will set us free.
Thank you Lord, for a new life. Help me Lord, to walk in the LIGHT, today, tomorrow and the next day!
Learn more in my book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn
