Are you irrational – or is that just your unconscious?
What is the unconscious?
To put most simply, think of the unconscious as our basic operating system.
The fact that we’re not aware of it doesn’t mean that it’s not working.
Actually, a lot of the things you do by default – things that don’t require you to actively think about doing them – are under the direction of your unconscious.
Ah, the lovely, beautiful unconscious.
What’s the first thing that pops to mind when you hear the word unconscious?
I’m going to be honest with you here.
Before doing the deep work and learning how our brains and bodies work together, whenever someone mentioned the word unconscious all I could think about was Freud and his sex theories.
I know – how silly of me!
But in the last 50 or so years, we’ve been trained to associate Freud with the unconscious.
The unconscious got the reputation of being a dark place somewhere deep within our mind, filled with our deepest fears and naughtiest sex fantasies.
To younger Bernadette at the time, the unconscious was all about nasty trauma, wet dreams, and dysfunctional family relationship – a place no one wants to go. Well, at least not voluntarily.
In the last few years, I’ve been reading a lot on the topic.
The more I’ve read, the more I’ve been finding proof that the unconscious isn’t as malicious a place as believed by many.
And believe it or not, the unconscious is much more than trauma and kinky stuff.
Basically, our unconscious is our most basic operating system.
My name’s Bernadette and join me here as we dive deep – pun intended – into the world of the unconscious.
What is the unconscious?
To put most simply, think of the unconscious as our basic operating system.
The fact that we’re not aware of it doesn’t mean that it’s not working.
Actually, a lot of the things you do by default – things that don’t require you to actively think about doing them – are under the direction of your unconscious.
For example, you know how you never forget riding a bike? Even if you hadn’t used a bike in years, I can guarantee you that the minute you climb and start turning the pedals, it’s going to feel as if you’ve never stopped!
Or take another example – the way we drive.
We sit in the car, turn the ignition on and then just drive.
Yes, we’re focused on the driving but we don’t think about the act of driving per se – it comes naturally to stay in the right lane, turn the wheel, and step on the brake.
All of that is ingrained into our memory and into our unconscious. In fact, it’s ingrained so well that our bodies just follow along.
BUT imagine you’re flying off to England tomorrow. You’re getting a rental there. Would the driving be as smooth?
Well, probably not.
The problem is, they’re driving on the LEFT and you’d probably have to drive a stick – not an automatic car.
Since that’s not something you do normally, it’s going to take a bit more additional conscious effort to drive in England.
This was a simple example just to help you understand that the unconscious isn’t dark or scary.
Think of it almost as an algorithm.
We’re feeding data into it – the unconscious is taking memos on everything that happens to us in daily life, draws conclusions based on what happened and then decides on the best action to take.
“But I feel like I’ve known him my whole life”
You know how sometimes you feel like you’ve known someone your whole life – even if you just met them?
Well, that’s your unconscious at play.
A while ago my friend calls me and she goes – Bernadette, I’ve met the love of my life! I’ve known from the minute I saw him – that’s him! I’ve been looking for him everywhere!
She met a guy and was obsessed with him, from the very first minute.
Unfortunately, as magical as the story sounds, that didn’t end well and now I’m going to tell you why.
Put apart here the love hormones or the excitement of the honeymoon phase… that’s an integral part of every relationship.
The real mystery here is – why did she feel like she’s known him her whole life?
Well, the reason why she so quickly attached to a complete stranger is the unconscious.
Or in a lack of better words, you can blame the unconscious for the love at first sight!
The thing is, she never actually knew them.
Her unconscious recognized something familiar in him.
It could be the way the held the fork – and that reminded her of her grandpa, whom she deeply loved.
It could be the way the guy looked at her, the same way her mom did.
Something him – and it could be anything – his body language, cues, words, is familiar to your unconscious, which then feels familiar to you too.
The unconscious prefers the familiar.
To your unconscious, familiar is good.
Familiar is predictable and safe.
But unfortunately, that’s not how it always works out in real life – which is why we feel that love at first sight failed us.
On the other hand, I’ve had a college friend who felt completely uncomfortable around men with beards.
It’s ridiculous when you first hear it but whenever she saw someone with a beard, her heart would start racing and she’d start sweating.
She had no clue why this happened and it goes without saying, it made her daily life complicated. I still remember when she was job interviewing and missed on a couple of great opportunities just because the HR guy had a beard!
After working with a therapist, she was able to dig deep and worked her way through a traumatic memory from her childhood.
When she was little, a man with a beard stole her mom’s purse and ran away. Luckily, no one got hurt and everyone was fine – so fine that my friend had literally forgotten all about this event.
However, her unconscious didn’t!!
Why your behavior is not irrational?
All of that proves you’re not being irrational or silly – you’re just performing under the guidance of your unconscious.
A similar pattern of behaving happens any time your unconscious thinks you’re in danger. Based on what it’s learned from your experience, and particularly on what it has learned from any traumatic experiences, it quickly takes defense.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a panic attack in the past just because I couldn’t reach someone I loved.
The same thing happened with my mom and with my ex-boyfriends and with my friends.
I immediately imagined the worst once they wouldn’t pick up and instead of being relieved when they finally did, I’d throw a tantrum. I was furious – how dare they NOT pick up right away when I worried about them!
Later, I realized that’s just my unconscious trying to protect me from being hurt. All of that was a result of my abandonment issues. Because it’s easier to be mad than to get hurt, right?
Not a single emotion in the mix was a conscious decision of mine.
It took a lot of work, a lot of unpacking and tears, to be able to overcome… to choose to overcome this problem.
What to do?
If you recognize yourself in this podcast, I first want to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you.
Everything’s fine – and you’re fine.
You’re not irrational or crazy or mad.
It’s just that you were hurt in the past and that messed up the algorithm in your head. Remember how we said that the unconscious is like an algorithm – it constantly learns and improved based on the experiences you feed it.
I know it’s stupid to say this… like wow, thanks Captain Obvious! Buuuut… do try to consciously feed your unconscious positive things.
You know, gratitude, being present in the moment, things like that.
It won’t solve everything but it’s going to help you relax and reduce the survival response when you’re not in a life-or-death situation.
If you can’t find the positive about a situation from the past, then think about all the lessons you’ve learned. If there’s literally nothing you’ve learned, then remind yourself that you wouldn’t be the person you are today if that hasn’t happened.
I understand it’s tempting to keep asking why me or why has this happened to me but believe me, that’s the best way to stay stuck in the past or keep going around in circles forever.
Another thing that has helped me massively is just being aware of where the problem is. I may not be able to always predict the way I’m going to respond to something but I’m pretty good at telling whether there’s a real reason to get upset or my brain’s playing tricks on me.
For example, if I’m trying to reach someone and they don’t answer, I tell myself, in a nice way, that they’re probably fine – they’re maybe busy or in the bathroom or eating lunch or something.
I also try to predict future obstacles, so if I know that I want to talk to someone this week, I’ll schedule phone calls beforehand, which massively reduces my anxiety!
Did you learn something new? Tag me on @bernadetteballa on Instagram and let me know your thoughts. And find me on YouTube to watch videos about this.
