Showing respect for the father of the family
A priest recently asked me what advice to give to a bride who wanted to know how to demonstrate to her husband that she accepts his headship.
My answer is too long for here, and probably is not what you think, but one aspect of it I would like to discuss briefly: it’s up to the wife to make sure that her husband knows he is seen, especially as he comes and goes.
A bride must be patient while obtaining some children. When this is accomplished, she should set about gently teaching them to part from and greet him in a manner that makes him feel armed for the battle and truly appreciated for conquering the dragons, respectively.
When he’s heading off to work (even if he’s working from home), the children should pause from their activities and say goodbye. (Studies show that men who kiss their wives before leaving for work have lower rates of heart attack; my husband, whose commute is approximately 28 paces to his study, never omits his “medicine.”)
When he returns, their joyful greeting should resound in his ears.
A little sacrifice is offered, pulling oneself away from an activity; temptation is resisted, to assume that his departures and arrivals are to be taken for granted. Some wives might even say, “Oh, he doesn’t mind… ” or “He is fine with it.”
It can seem more natural (whatever that means) to have him slip in and out, as if he doesn’t matter all that much, as if he isn’t the protector and provider, as if his own assessment of his humble service is the only measure the family has for him.
But who would not be happier with a demonstration of appreciation? I’m not a man, but I imagine that coming home to shouts of gladness and tight hugs is recompense for a lot of what the world hands him every day.
Eye contact should be made. Kisses should be given. “Bye, Daddy, I love you!” “Daddy! You’re home!” I think there are days when the children’s momentary expressions can make or break a man’s will to go off and/or to come back…
A ritual is the way to accomplish a more loving and appreciative mode that demonstrates esteem for a person. But rituals don’t make themselves! In this case, Mother makes it happen, though Father can assist: my father used to come in whistling the same four notes — that was the alert that offered a couple of seconds to put down the book and welcome him.
Other cultures are a bit better about these rites of “passage” (not death of course… well, we hope not). Life together can’t be only ritualistic, but eliminating rituals impoverishes us. One thing rituals do is acknowledge hierarchies, which is what that bride was, perhaps unbeknownst to herself, wondering about.
“Say bye to Daddy!” “Here comes Daddy! Run and give him a kiss!” Once established, the family pattern keeps itself alive (with only a few quiet reminders now and then).
Little rituals keep love alive. The glory of the family is its sovereignty in these matters of little expressions of esteem and affection — you can make them exactly the way you want. But do incorporate them!
{bits & pieces}
A nice cutout collection: “Fr. Peter”
If you have followed the controversy surrounding the Covington boys, you might be interested in the outcome of a court case regarding the “duty” of those in Congress to defame citizens; the court ruled against them using a similar case in which my husband was the lead plaintiff.
Why do we search for subtle arguments about justice, natural law, and political theory? We need the 10 Commandments.
The Blessed Virgin was not an unwed mom. Those who oppose abortion have taken to saying that she is because they mistakenly think that they are helping women who are in fact unwed moms. Even when the ancients (particularly in the Byzantine tradition) speak of her as “unwedded bride” they are not using the term the way we do — they mean something more like, well, Virgin and Mother. Sadly, the word virgin has fallen into desuetude, tracking, possibly, with our willingness to rob Our Lady of her title. Cardinal Burke gave a beautiful sermon on the subject; let us think with the mind of the Church. (Because abortion is an election topic, the subject has come up — it will only intensify as Advent comes upon us. I just want to say that we cannot err by speaking with more respect and honor for sacred persons, not less… )
from the archives
Green tomato chutney of deliciousness
From the LMLD Library Project: Two of my favorite children’s books
liturgical year
St. Januarius — miracles are all around us
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