WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Mixing Internal Thoughts into a Third-Person POV

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to WIP Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, critique slots are booked through September 19.

This week’s questions:

1. Am I getting closer to an acceptable opening?

2. Does this sound realistic, like something a 10 year old would gripe about?

3. Did I ground the setting?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade

Note: We’ve had a lot of resubmits lately, and here’s another. The previous versions are here: first, second, and third for those curious to see how this revision has developed.

On to the diagnosis…
Continue ReadingWritten by Janice Hardy. Fiction-University.com