Dead End

Despite everything that happened over the past several months, the bottom line was this: his parents were getting a grandchild. And although the circumstances surrounding this fact were suspect, they were finally getting what they always wanted.  

Brian and Ellie already told her far more open-minded, liberal parents. It was now time to turn their attention to his far more conservative, Catholic parents (who were still reeling from the shock of his recent divorce) during their weekly Sunday dinner gathering at his parents place.

            Brian first received the news while on a business trip to Chicago. He was sitting at a bar, enjoying his second Old-Fashioned and a plate of potato skins when he noticed he had three missed calls from Ellie. He assumed she had already turned into bed hours ago and wasn’t actively checking his phone.

            Slightly inebriated, he stumbled out of the bar area to call her back.

            “Everything okay?”

            “Congratulations.”

            “Huh?” he said, confused.

            “You’re going to be a daddy!”

            Silence.

            “Brian?”

            “Yes.”

            He was too stunned to say another word.

            “Are you still there?”

“You—you’re…?

“Pregnant. At least according to two pregnancy tests.”

“How?”

            “I think you know the answer to that.”

            Inside, he couldn’t feel happier. He was too stunned – and drunk – to respond. Little did she know that he had actually been praying for this. But he was rationale enough to realize that prayer doesn’t automatically transform one’s internal biology. But he figured it couldn’t hurt, especially since her doctor never told her it was impossible. Just highly unlikely.

            “Are you sure?” he asked.

            After all, she tried for five years in her previous marriage to no avail. And doctors maintained the issue was with her – not him. In fact, the doctor said he had “super sperm.”

            So, what did this make his sperm?

            Despite everything they had gone through in the past year – right now, in this moment – as he stood in the lobby of his hotel– all was right with the world. They could both forget about the fact that they were both still recovering from their failed marriages. As were their respective parents. In fact, her divorce wasn’t even technically finalized yet.

            But if there was anything they both learned over the past year, it was that nobody can predict anything.

            It was exactly one year ago at this time that they were still mired in their joyless marriages that for years, appeared that no amount of abuse or neglect could rescue them from the trap that had become their lives. But then came the escape route neither one knew they were looking for, hitting them like a ton of a brick. A shot of heroin straight to the heart.

Brian and Ellie had worked together for five years, but it wasn’t until they didn’t about a year ago, when the floodgate of fate opened, turning their lives upside down. Their connection was immediate. Then came the first kiss. At that point, there was no turning back. They were runaway freight trains, recklessly and selfishly pursuing their own selfish wants and desire.

As Ellie pointed out, as much as they wanted to be together, there was only one rational, conceivable outcome: “a dead end”.  Yet they continued on, despite neither one of them ready to get out of their current situations, as toxic as they were. Even if most would have agreed that their relationships should have ended a long time ago (in some cases, some even urged for this to be the case), it certainly didn’t make it any easier to get out.

Making matters worse was the free license for everyone to openly bash their exes without regard to lingering pain, guilt, regret, and shards of their still-pulsating broken hearts. Until ones goes through divorce, there is no way to fully fathom the myriad of layers and complexities that await them. An endless whirlpool of emotion. And cesspool of grief and anger.

For him, it was the taboo of divorce, compounded by the lingering perception of a fairy tale romance, which had everything to do with the magical way they met and little to do with the marriage itself. For her, it was being resigned to a marriage of resigned mediocrity.

Over time, the clarity prevailed and they did what was necessary to be together, never fully realizing just how much pain and regret lied ahead, despite the overall happiness they had never felt to this degree before. As his ex, said through tears: “You can’t build love on other people’s misery,” she said through bitter tears.  

            But no matter how much the past – at times – cast its shadow over their relationship, perhaps no greater sign existed that they were meant to be than the situation they now found themselves in, validating everything they sacrificed. And everything they risked.

She had always wanted children, but nature had other plans for her. Years of fertility issues never suppressed her desire. But it certainly deepened her depression. She tried just every possible fertility treatment available. She tried acupuncture. Prayer. But all she got in return was grief. Along with resignation and growing acceptance that she was never going to have children.

As for him, it wasn’t that he didn’t want kids. He just always wanted them to come later, hopefully after (if?) he established himself as a writer. He knew once a kid arrived, his writing would take a backseat if he were to be the kind of father he wanted to be. But after several close calls, he realized that he was simply chasing rainbows.

Perhaps the pregnancy was a sign that it was finally time to move on, but he knew he probably could never quite shake the feeling that the time he invested into his dream would all be for nothing if he gave up now. Like a gambler, always certain that one more roll would be the big one.

It is fitting to note that the catalyst to his current predicament was when his ex-wife demanded that he give up his writing and focus more on her…and his marriage. For a short time, he did. Followed by his first bout with depression. It wasn’t that he didn’t contribute around the house. He cooked. He cleaned. He did yard work. Sure, he wasn’t much of a handyman, but he made for it in other ways.  But it was never enough. And soon, the clouds of depression made him even less effective. The beginning of the end. He could deal with the insults. The slaps. And the fists. But being told to give up his dream – which she had once supported with equal passion – was the final straw.

The good news is, he began to write again. And Ellie made that possible. And much to his surprise, it wasn’t long before he began to picture himself having a family with her. That’s when he realized it wasn’t a matter of not wanting kids. It was a matter of not wanting kids with his wife. And that’s when he knew that he had to end it. This was the clarity he was seeking. Of course, he was knowingly entering into a relationship with someone who was unable to bear a child and leaving behind somebody who constantly begged him for one. But then life decided to throw a giant curve ball.

She had no choice but to tell her family almost right away. She would have preferred to tell them after 12 weeks, but not drinking wine in front of them was going to be a dead giveaway.

Though her parents handled her news with grace and excitement, they were still struggling to fully accept her daughter’s seemingly sudden decision to leave her husband behind to be with her “lover,” of whom her mother bluntly described as “not a relevant person.”  They had no idea how relevant he was about to become! After the initial shock wore off, they embraced her and shed tears of joy.

Now, it was time to face his family. It wasn’t so much his parents he was concerned about. It was his grandmother. In his grandmother’s world, there was only right. And there was wrong. There was no in-between. No gray areas. No flexible morals.  Although he didn’t always agree with her, his grandmother was the greatest influence in his life and he hated to let her down. He was always the grandchild who listened to her the most – and in her mind, could do no wrong. Fair or not, she expected more out of him as a result.   

            He couldn’t help but think about the elephant that would be in the room when they finally told them. That he himself was a child born out of wedlock. On one hand, it gave his parents no room for judgment.  On the other, his grandmother never got over it. In over 30 years.

            Despite the one glaring similarity to his parents’ situation, there were huge differences that they were certain would work in their favor. For one thing, they were literally half his age at the time. His father was holding a newborn baby in his arms days just days after barely finishing high school.  

            Even after his parents announced their intention to marry – to do “the right thing” – his grandmother refused to accept reality. In fact, she didn’t even attend the wedding as a matter of principal. Nobody ever fully recovered from this. The pain. The guilt. Though it had faded over time, it all still lingered there. Like a ghost.

And grandmother had been trying to make up for it ever since.  

Little did they know, that something – God?…fate?…luck of the draw? – was about to give everyone a rare second chance.

            But then a giant snowstorm forced them to have to postpone until the following Sunday. They decided the hour trek (but probably 3 hours in the snow) wouldn’t be worth it. So, they would have to wait until next week.

            It was the longest week of their life.

            But then the day finally came and with the ultrasound pictured safely tucked away in her purse, it was time to face the music.  

On the way up, they began to break down all the possible ways to break the news.  

For example, would they first announce the pregnancy, and then explain her fertility issues? Or, would they preface things with the fertility issues? They then analyzed every possible reaction they were likely to face and the resulting responses, ranging from disownment to his mom eagerly beginning to finally plan a baby shower. Each scenario had its own unique set of pros and cons. They ultimately decided to just let things play out in the moment, doing what felt right when the time came.

            “One of the first things my family is going to ask is if we plan to get married,” Brian stated.

            “What are you going to tell them?” she wondered.

            “That we’ve gone through too many life changes in recent months to rush into any other changes. But that we intended to raise our child together. And if they continue to bug us about it, I’m going to make it very clear to them that they are to stop.”

            “It’s so funny,” she said. “If I told my parents that we were going to get married, they would probably urge us not to rush into anything.”

            They both laughed. The ideological difference between the two families couldn’t be any different. Despite the two of them both being moderate as a whole, they certainly had their differences, but vowed never to let their differences come between them. They both knew where each other stood and figured there was no use trying to get one of the other to budge. Fortunately, being mode they both saw eye-to-eye on most issues.

            For now, the only issue that mattered was the task at hand: Telling his parents.   

            They tried to play it as cool as possible when they first arrived, not wanting to let on. They waited until everyone was seated at the dining room table, which included his parents and grandmother. The only question that remained was whether they would tell them while they were eating and risk ruining everyone’s meal, or telling them after the plates were cleared. They elected to tell them near the completion of their meal, before his mother got distracted with the business of doing dishes.

            He took a deep breath, took Ellie gently by the hand, then began:

            “We have something we need to tell you.”

Nervous anticipation filled the room. From the looks on their faces, it was obvious what they were already thinking.

“As you all know, we’ve been dating one another for awhile now. It didn’t take us long to envision a future together. We realize it’s never a good idea to rush into something …”

They hung on his every word, trying to decipher meaning where there seemed to be none.

He decided to cut straight to the chase, rather than ratcheting up the tension and anxiety.

            He removed a small photo from his shirt pocket and slid it toward his parents.

            “Mom. Dad. Meet your new grandchild.”

            They stared at the photo in stunned disbelief for what felt like five full minutes. Nobody seemed to know what words to say next.  Or, who should speak them So he did:

            “No matter how you perceive this, realize that we don’t see this as an accident. We see this as a miracle. And just know that we are committed to raising this baby together.”

            He was confident he was saying all the right things. But until they got a verbal response from his family, there was no way to know for certain. Finally, his mother broke the silence:

            “I have never been one to cast stones. Especially in a situation like this. I have always wanted what’s best for my children. And I know you guys are happy together. And I am very happy for you guys. How could I not be? Plus, I’m getting a grandchild!”

            It was exactly the type of response they had hoped for – well, from his mother at least. Both his father and grandmother remained mute in stunned disbelief.

            “So, do you guys plan on getting married?” his mother finally asked.

            He gave the exact response he practiced over and over again in his head:

            “Although we can’t promise when, we can assure you that it will happen eventually. With all the life changes we’ve had this past year, I can’t say if it will happen before or after the baby is born. But once again, we will be functioning as though we were married. And no matter what, the baby is our priority.”

            Then Ellie chimed in: “I just want to say that I recognize that this news isn’t easy. I just want to be clear that for years, I had fertility issues. And I honestly didn’t think I would ever get pregnant. But I couldn’t be happier to be having a baby with your son.”

            “You’re very lucky to have my son.”

            “I know I am. I’ll be honest, when I first got married, I thought it was for life. Just like your son did. We both have parents who have been married for a long time and we were both hoping it would be the same for us. But it didn’t work out that way. But I couldn’t be more content with the way it did work out.”

 “I appreciate you saying this,” his mother said. “I’m so glad you see this as a blessing.”

Then, turning to her son: “And to be honest with you, I was beginning to think you were never going to have children. Now I don’t have to worry anymore. I can’t wait to start planning the shower.”

            Just as he predicted, his mother had already gotten over the initial shock and was already in planning mode – just had she done eight years ago when he announced his sudden engagement to a pen pal from Europe.

            One down, two to go. His father remained both speechless and expressionless, which was incidentally the same reaction he had when he announced his engagement, later breaking his silence with divine eloquence: “You’re nuts.”  

            The greater challenge, of course, remained his Grandmother. He wondered if his parents were having flashbacks.

And then she finally broke her silence.

            “The thing I have always wanted for my kids and grandkids more than anything, was their happiness. And if there’s anything that I have come to realize after a lifetime of experience, it’s that even though I don’t change, the world changes. As do people. And because people change, so does life.

“I might not always like everything, but I’ve learned from my mistakes. And I’m very happy for you two. And for my future great-grandchild. Just realize that raising a child is a tremendous responsibility. You are not just looking out for yourselves. But you must always love each other. No matter what, you must always love each other.”

He responded with echoes of a wedding vow. “We do.”

Ellie nodded in agreement.

A long bout of silence permeated.

  And then suddenly, his father’s blank expression to take shape into something more concrete, yet indescribable. It was an expression that he had never quite seen on him before – something between shame, shock and anger and somewhere buried deep – relief and happiness. Slowly, he raised his hands to his reddened face. He remained that way for what felt like an eternity. It seemed as though everything hinged upon the outcome of this one moment. Suddenly, he got up, his face filled with tears, and headed out of the room. Of all the possible reactions they envisioned, this was not one of them.

            “You should probably go to him,” he said to his mother, who got up in agreement.

             “I know you will do the right thing,” his grandmother said.

            “We are,” Brian said in response.

Moments later, his parents entered. He father was no longer crying, but his face was red and puffy.

            “I wasn’t crying because I was upset,” his father said.

            “I know,” his son responded, realizing that in a heartbeat, thirty years of unresolved pain and regret was washed away by an unlikely, rocky miracle. And although nobody alluded to what was actually taking place, everyone knew that all was finally forgiven.

The father then walked over to his son and hugged him. The last time he had been hugged by his father was on his long-ago wedding day, when this particular moment wouldn’t have made any sense to anyone in that room. When everything was different.

He then walked over to the woman carrying his future grandson and hugged her. And then they all had dessert.