The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Finally watched The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly for the very first time, after my son requested it. Good god, that movie takes forever! For those of you who don’t want to lose three hours of your lives for a film that could have been done in 80 minutes, here is my synopsis:
*****
THEME MUSIC
squinty-eyed man stares into sunlight
different squinty-eyed man stares into sunlight
third squinty-eyed man stares into sunlight
THEME MUSIC
dust
horses
more dust
tumbleweeds
dusty men who haven’t seen a bath in two years (if the film hadn’t helpfully labeled THE UGLY, I would never have guessed who it was supposed to be)
token female character with zero words of dialogue playing subservient Mexican wife
gunshots
THEME MUSIC
more gunshots
cannon fire
second token female character with about ten words of dialogue playing town prostitute whose sole point in the film is to be brutally beaten in order to reveal a name
dust
horses
hanging noose
THEME MUSIC
desert sun
sand
squinty-eyed man with chapped lips
Confederate soldiers
Union soldiers
cannon fire
THEME MUSIC
satisfying bridge explosion (after two characters carry a wooden crate helpfully marked “EXPLOSIVES” through an active battle zone with soldiers falling all around them and somehow nobody notices or shoots at them)
man running in circles through a graveyard
squinty-eyed man with a shovel and gun
second squinty-eyed man with a shovel and gun
three squinty-eyed men in a triangle at the center of a graveyard
THEME MUSIC
MORE THEME MUSIC
three men squinting and glaring at each other
more squinting and glaring
even more squinting and glaring
still more squinting and glaring
and finally…
one last round of squinting and glaring (I am not exaggerating here)
annnnnd…gunshots!
THEME MUSIC
denouement
squinty-eyed man screaming curses
second squinty-eyed man shoots a rifle
first squinty-eyed man screams a final curse: “You son of a—”
THEME MUSIC
*****
And there you have it! I’ve just saved you two hours and fifty-nine minutes. I highly recommend that you take five of those minutes to watch this fantastic rendition of the theme, so that you, too, can be whistling it for the next several days.
