How To Write A Submission Letter

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Going through a heap of old papers in the printer room, I ran across my submission letter for "A Small Room in Koboldtown," which I sent to Sheila Williams at Asimov's Science Fiction. 

The guidelines for submission letters all agree that they should be short, interesting, and to the point. Mine, I believe is exemplary on all three counts. So I present it to you as a model:

Dear Sheila,

No, don't say a word. You don't need to. Among my many, many other talents, I'm a precognitive telepath. So, to spare you some trouble, I've made a transcript of your future thoughts as you read hte attached story, "A Small Room in Koboldtown." To wit:

Oh Gawd, it's another urban elf story! The readers are going to rise up with pitchforks and torches. I keep telling Michael that we want hard science fiction! With spaceships!! But he... What's this? It'a a locked-room mystery? Has Michael gone completely bonkers? I can't believe that he would do this to... Actually, it's not bad. It's pretty good. In fact, it's terrific. I think I'm going to... going to... buy it. But I refuse to  be gracious about it. I'm going to write him a terse, clipped acceptance letter.

So there you are! Look at all the time I've saved you! Inferior writers wouldn't do that. But I refrain from pointing out how wonderful of me it was. My great modesty will not permit it.

Magnaminously yours,
Michael                    .  And that's how it's done by the pros. Go thou, young gonnabe writer, and do thou likewise!

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