20/12/2022: REQUIEM

I honestly don’t know if I should be writing anything here but there’s no other way I can express my feelings, my gratitude towards you. I’m not sure I can come into the light and just confess to the things I know. It takes a lot of courage and as you might already be aware, I’m not really all that courageous.

I can still recall all those happenings as if they happened just yesterday. It was two years back. You were 28 back then. I calculated your age using the information I gathered from your entries. I hope you don’t mind. And I was just 16. Two years back, this very day, when both our lives changed.

I was sitting on a bench looking at those tracks. It was time I ended it all. All that suffering. I thought my life was over. Pregnant at 16 with a child whose father I did not know, it was the worst embarrassment any girl could ever face. I had decided to end my life on the day I would turn 17, my birthday.

A drunken episode at the back of someone’s car at a party, and now 4 months pregnant, I didn’t think there were many options. It’s either death or a lifetime of ridicule. I remembered how I waited for the clock to hit 7:30 p.m. the exact time that I was born. It would have been pretty cool, to die the exact same time I was born.

As I got up from the bench watching the train come at full speed I was pretty certain this was the best way. Who would miss me right? A specter of insignificance. That’s when it all happened in the blink of an eye. So fast that I couldn’t even register what really happened.

As far as I can theorize, you might’ve seen me heading to the tracks. I did remember hearing a ‘Wait! It isn’t worth it!’ before I felt the drops of your blood splash onto my face. As I fell to the empty station platform, my heart was beating so fast that I thought I might just die from it exploding inside my chest.

I wish I would’ve waited even though it wouldn’t bring you back. I wish I could wait and tell the police about an unsung hero who gave his life trying to save an insignificant being. But I couldn’t. I was weak back then. So I ran.

I didn’t realize until later that I was clutching your diary in my hands. Weird that it ended up with me. But it was the ray of light in the surrounding darkness that was my life. If it weren’t for your diary, I might’ve even wasted away your sacrifice that day.

I later found out that you were on your way to a late interview. Trying to find a publisher for your diary maybe. The story sure isn’t much but to the right audience, it is a lifesaver. I know because it saved mine. A diary that changed my life forever. A diary that made me laugh and cry and relate to all the meaningless suffering in life. A diary that taught me about the rainbow after the worst of storms.

I wish I could take back all that happened. I wish I could turn back time. Maybe then you wouldn’t have to die. Maybe then, your death wouldn’t have been considered a suicide. But I’m willing to make amends. It took me a while to find Jenny your wife. Your two children are doing fine as well.

Jenny is working in a law firm as a lawyer. She’s doing pretty well herself. I can see why you called her ruthless. There’s an air of authority around her. Maybe that is also the reason why I’m choosing the cowards way and not confronting her face to face. I can’t bring myself to confess that it was because of me that her husband lost his life.

Oh, I had my baby too. It’s a boy. I named him James after you. He’s adorable and a real sweetheart. My parents were a bit angry at me but they’re fine now and support me in bringing up my child as a single mother. I’m trying my best to give him proper care that he may not end up depressed like you or me.

We’ve both made the mistakes of leading a life of solitude. A mistake that cannot be rectified now that we’ve grown accustomed to it. But I’ll be trying my best that it doesn’t rub off on him. I’ll make sure that he has a happy life ahead. A life where suicide won’t even cross his mind.

I wish I was a bit braver than this but so far, I’ve only been able to muster up the courage to do this. Maybe someday I’ll face Jenny and ask forgiveness for my grave sins. But I’m afraid that day would not be today. However, I’m going to make sure that your legacy doesn’t end in mystery.

Today, there’s a special mass for you. I requested the pastor of your parish to do so. And I also requested him that he take this diary to your lovely wife after I leave it next to your grave. It is the best I could come up with, and the only way to do it anonymously. Your family deserves to know about the hero that you are.

Maybe your story and mine aren’t very special. But what I do know is that there are many out there with similar stories to ours. And like you, I too wish that they find the right path. Therefore I leave this diary in your care next to your grave till the day it reaches out to the many out there. Till the day that they too realize that there can be a silver lining in the darkest of hours.

I’ll be heading back to my parents’ house soon. I’m a long way from home after all. My week long holiday is about to end too. I hope my words reach out to Jenny. And I hope she forgives me one day. Or if not, I’ll surrender myself to her judgment once little James is mature enough to take care of himself.

Till then I guess this is goodbye. A warm goodbye to my grey angel, the memento of whom saved my life. I wish this diary is read by many. So that they know what all goes through the minds of people like you and me. Through this lonely diary, The Diary of a Suicidal Child.