How to avoid breaking promises

Today I want to talk about how so many people don’t say what they mean and don’t mean whatever they say. How people make unintentional, unrealistic promises, and then break them. 

When I moved to the US I didn’t know anyone else. I only had my husband’s friends. Which they were nice, but I wanted to have girlfriends. So I started to connect with people.

I would meet someone, had a great conversation, exchange numbers, and then never see them again. The most interesting fact is that almost never was I the one who initiated exchanging numbers or meeting again. And almost never was I the one canceling plans of breaking promises.

At first, I thought there was something wrong with me. But then I started to observe people.

I observed that what people say they want to do and what they actually do is completely different.

I would hear someone say that they were starting working out and they never did so, or that someone wanted to travel and never changed the location. People would say how much they want to do a certain thing and then they would never accomplish it, even worse don’t even start trying.

I learned that people would prefer to do something but it wasn’t what they truly wanted. When people say they want to do a certain thing they actually prefer to do it or have it and that’s not what they want in reality. Because if you truly want something you will make it happen. Sooner or later you will find a way to do it.

I realized that there was nothing wrong with me and that how people act was the reflection of their inner state. What people say had nothing to do with me. How people act says nothing about me and everything about them.

I would love to give you a few tips on how to start speaking your truth, how to say no when you want to say no, and how to say yes and keep your word.

First and for most, it all starts within. People don’t keep their promises to others because they don’t keep promises they give to themselves. You have to make sure you are going to keep your word you give to yourself. If you say that you are going to do your workout you have to do it. Of course, you can’t accomplish it if you have environmental limits there’s nothing you can do. But most of the time we are the limits for ourselves. The hardest obstacle for us is always ourselves. Only after you keep the promises to your own self, you can do the same for others.To avoid empty promises, before you say anything make sure you are consciously making the promise. Because oftentimes we are on autopilot and don’t even think and just talk.Become present and aware of the moment you are in and your own self. Talk from the presence, that way you are going to be aware of your words. Practice mindfulness. Ask yourself if whatever you are going to say is what you truly want. Don’t talk to the people you don’t want to and make promises you don’t want to in the first place. If it happens so either accept the reality and still keep your word or, have the courage to communicate with the person and speak your truth.Learn how to say NO. Make promises which you intend to keep. Have clear boundaries.Ask yourself if you are willing to keep your promise. Wanting something and then doing are two different things.Say what you meanDo what you sayWrite it down if you have a tendency to forget things. Make it visible. Don’t write down something you want to remember on the piece of paper you will never see again. Have a journal or an organizer and keep your promises there. Set a reminder on your phone and computer.Be very clear and specific with your promises. For example, if I met another mom and we said we were going to take kids on a play date. When I text the person I’m not going to say “Nice to meet you, let’s meet sometime soon” which is what most people do. I’m going to say “… Hey, nice to meet you let’s meet next Thursday (5.28) from 3-4 pm at the playground or the park if it works for you…” This is the rough example of how specific you should be. I hear all the time when people meet each other they exchange numbers and say “Let’s meet sometime soon” And it almost never happens. No one is perfect. If you can’t keep your promise don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself another chance and as much time as you need. Forgive yourself and you will be also forgiven. The way we treat ourselves that’s exactly how the universe treats us back.

One funny story when I moved to KC from Minneapolis I went to the yoga studio. The manager, who is my friend now, told me to grab a coffee and I said sure and thought that she was the typical “Let’s meet sometime” type so I didn’t take it seriously. Then she asked me again and I was surprised and was straight forward and asked her if she was truly meaning it. We met and had a great talk. But I almost didn’t believe her. 

If someone makes a promise to you, you also have to be very direct and specific and ask for more details. Once my neighbor told me to go somewhere together. So I was very direct and asked her if she was truly meaning whatever she was saying. We went to a lovely place and had a great dinner. 

If you keep promises to yourself, you aren’t going to break them for others. Be aware of yourself and live in the moment. make a commitment to speaking your truth and doing whatever you say. It takes time and practice, but with little effort everything is possible. 

Say what you mean and do what you say.

 In a world where vows are worthless. Where making a pledge means nothing. Where promises are made to be broken, it would be nice to see words come back into power.

Chuck Palahniuk

I feel keeping a promise to yourself is a direct reflection of the love you have for yourself. I used to make promises to myself and find them easy to break. Today, I love myself enough to not only make a promise to myself, but I love myself enough to keep that promise

Steve Maraboli

A graceful refusal is better than a lengthy promise.

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