The Fiver | Imagine this read out in the sombre tone adopted post-match on BT Sport

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Well that was quite the weekend for fans of schadenfreude. You’d have to be populating a very niche intersection on the great Venn diagram of life not to have found at least one of those results mildly amusing. All three if you’re lucky. The Fiver has no allegiances to anyone or anything, and as a result laughed so hard we got through five pairs of trousers and now require sodium supplements. But there are limits even to our nihilism. We’re not so far gone that we don’t realise good people are hurting. So please imagine the rest of this story being read out in the tone adopted by Gary Lineker on BT Sport in the wake of Manchester United’s latest semi-final defeat, a delivery so sombre it made Richard Dimbleby’s commentary on the state funeral of Sir Winston Churchill sound like the chorus of Agadoo.

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