Brief Recaps of ���Low Bandwidth���, an Imaginary Reality Television Show About Media Addiction
Week One
The twelve contestants arrive in Lancaster, Pennsylvania,
where they will spend the next thirteen weeks in isolation in a remote
farmhouse in the heart of Amish country. Each contestant is asked to place any
electronic devices in a below-ground root cellar for safekeeping. The producers
collect eighteen smartphones, fourteen tablet computers, seven e-book readers,
and a Zune music player. Contestants are subsequently searched before entering
the house. Producers seize seven Apple watches, four Amazon Dash buttons, and a
sixth-generation iPod Nano that Kevin had tried to hide inside a hollowed-out
electric razor. All the contestants gather for a traditional Amish family
dinner. Santos and Rebecca get into an argument as to whether Omar from The
Wire was on Boardwalk Empire or not. The argument escalates as both parties
discover that they have no way to settle the dispute without access to the Internet
Movie Database, and Rebecca dumps a bowl of egg noodles on Santos���s head.
If you like stupid jokes about reality TV, buy LIES I HAVE TOLD.Week Two
The twelve contestants are divided into two teams���Team Wi-Fi
and Team Broadband���and both are given an initial challenge. Both teams are
given a long-handled axe and a cord of wood and are asked to make firewood.
Cameron of Team Wi-Fi had previously binge-watched seven straight seasons of Axe
Men, and was able to instruct his fellow team members in the proper way of
splitting hardwood. Although Team Broadband was able to overcome internal
dissention and split three logs, Team Wi-Fi was the clear winner. Team Wi-Fi
won the award, which allowed them to watch a YouTube recording of Ryan Seacrest
reading a T. Coraghessan Boyle short story. Janice of Team Broadband was unanimously
voted out of the farmhouse after fighting with a fellow team member over
whether the last Adele album was overrated.
Week Three
Although Rebecca has adopted the ���evil and calculating���
persona, standard for all TV reality shows, she effectively leads Team
Broadband to a decisive win in the butter-churning contest. As a reward, Team
Broadband gets to go out for a celebratory dinner at the Lancaster T.G.I.
Fridays ��� but team members are crushed to find out that all the televisions
above the bar have been turned off. Back at the farmhouse, Team Wi-Fi struggles
with using a wood-burning oven to make bread, but Marvin is able to save the
day with baking skills honed from watching two seasons of Cake Boss. Sky
and Delilah of Team Broadband are up for elimination at the end, with Delilah
leaving the farmhouse after the producers offer to replace her iPhone 4C with a
new Samsung Galaxy.
Week Four
Andre the sound guy inadvertently lets it slip to the
contestants that there���s a new red-band trailer out for the new Will Ferrell
movie. Santos is distraught once he learns that Andre isn���t able to bring any
electronic devices with him to the farmhouse. Team Wi-Fi wins the cornhole
challenge thanks to a last-second toss from LaTricia, and gets to spend fifteen
minutes looking at Wil Wheaton���s Twitter feed. Both teams have to work together
to hitch up the oxen and plow the west pasture for spring planting. Carol of
Team Wi-Fi is voted out of the farmhouse after she admits that she���s never
listened to the Making a Murderer podcast.
Week Five
Rebecca switches allegiances from Team Broadband to Team
Wi-Fi after she is accused at cheating in the quilting challenge. LaTricia and
Hannah of Team Wi-Fi are less than happy about the switch, and Hannah has to be
restrained from throwing a shoo-fly pie at Rebecca. The remaining contestants
all pitch in to dig a new irrigation ditch, and are rewarded by having James
Earl Jones visit the farm to read them selected headers from their e-mail
accounts. Cameron learns that his Aunt Christy is finally marrying her longtime
boyfriend, and is crushed when he can���t access their wedding registry. Alex of
Team Wi-Fi is voted out after he starts a rumor that One Direction is getting
back together.
Week Six
Team Broadband is rocked by a divisive argument between
Kevin and Sky over which of the cartoon characters on the old Beavis and
Butthead show was Butthead. The hard words between them wreck the team���s
performance at the threshing challenge, and Team Wi-Fi is rewarded with a trip
to watch the filming of a live television program. Unfortunately, the program
in question is Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. While Cameron and Marvin are
excited about meeting Guy Fieri, Hannah harbors some lingering resentment
related to some bad service she had at Fieri���s New York restaurant. Hannah is
asked to leave the restaurant after she berates Fieri regarding her opinion of
his ���Donkey Sauce,��� and is subsequently voted off the show as well.
Week Seven
LaTricia moves to Team Broadband after an acrimonious spat
with Rebecca over who should get credit for Team Wi-Fi���s victory in the
sheep-shearing challenge. Team Wi-Fi is presented with one hour of free Netflix
access, but the only screen they can use is on a vintage Dell Inspiron laptop
running Windows 95, and the buffering makes it impossible for the team to enjoy
Orange Is the New Black. Kevin and Sky work together to repair the
tractor, and begin a subtle flirtation. Santos is voted out of the farmhouse
after making a sexist comment about the lady in the Progressive insurance
commercials.
Week Eight
All hell breaks loose on Team Wi-Fi after Rebecca convinces
Cameron and Marvin that the other has the password for the neighboring farm���s
wi-fi hotspot. But before the two can come to blows, they are reminded of their
shared love of Beyonce���s Formation video. The two teammates work
together in the corn-husking challenge, but are defeated by the efforts of
Kevin and Sky. For its reward, Team Broadband gets to have lunch at the Cracker
Barrel Country Store in Lancaster, followed by country-western karaoke night at
the Texas Roadhouse. Rebecca and LaTricia are both put up for elimination, but
in a surprising twist, LaTricia reveals that Sky had found a discarded Android
phone in the restroom of the Texas Roadhouse, and that it was not handed in.
Sky was asked to leave the show, leaving a distraught Kevin behind.
Week Nine
Kevin vows vengeance on LaTricia, to the point of sabotaging
her in the whoopie pie challenge. A victorious Team Wi-Fi celebrates its win,
only to find out that their reward is to sell the whoopie pies they made out of
a food truck in York. As Cameron and Marvin relax after a hard day���s work.
Rebecca and LaTricia form an unstable alliance to protect themselves. But after
Kevin and LaTricia are both put up for elimination, Rebecca changes her vote,
sending LaTricia home with a Game of Thrones DVD box set and an Amazon Fire
mini-tablet.
Week Ten
With only four players left, the teams are merged and put to
work clearing tables at an Amish smorgasbord restaurant. The contestants are
surprised to find that, after ten weeks of isolation from electronic media,
they are more cheerful and hardworking than before, and actually find pleasure
in cleaning up after diners, even when they leave half-eaten pieces of pie on
their tables. Cameron and Kevin bond over complaining about having to hose down
the parking lot, but their short-lived alliance is shattered when Cameron turns
the hose on Kevin. Kevin gets the last laugh when Cameron is sent home
following a serious injury resulting from an accidental tumble into the
wood-burning stove.
Week Eleven
Kevin and Marvin decide to put aside their differences
regarding their respective positions on who should have won the sixth season of
Survivor and agree to vote Rebecca off the show no matter what. Rebecca
attempts to seduce both Kevin and Marvin but is rebuffed. Hurt by the
rejection, Rebecca accepts the producers��� offer to return to civilization, and
her angry walk-off speech at the end garners five hundred thousand views on
YouTube. Rebecca is immediately offered the lead role in Bachelorette:
Alaska, which she accepts.
Week Twelve
Kevin and Marvin are told for the first time that either
Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be the next President. They elect to split
the contest winnings and stay in Amish country permanently.
