8/13/20 Thursday Free-write

[image error] This morning. My. I. Spirit? Soul? Some part of me. That rescues me. Assured me they’d always been here. That they knew and fully understood, my pain. My fears. 

They said to watch the way I treated myself was their greatest suffering. Our greatest suffering.

I think. Feel myself asked itself if it could have me. If it could protect me. If it could love and nurture me.Just the thought that I’d been alive all these years and not belonged to myself overwhelmed me. 

Guilty. Reared for suffering and self-abandonment. I was unworthy. To see or be within myself.

I cried at the possibility of healing. I cried afraid of detaching from a half self. I cried, feeling, tangible, other, object, reaching at the possibility of being whole. I cried afraid to leave the path of seeking, outside self. Not needing. I cried at the idea of saving one’s own self. I cried at the invitation to enter, myself. Center myself. 

I cried that I had such patience and restraint. I cried guilty. Then hushed myself with forgiveness, compassion and a new empathy. I cried disbelieving and grateful.

Just say, yes. I implored. Refusing to coerce or manipulate. I wanted her consent. I wanted her willingly. I didn’t want to leave room for doubt to creep in this new relationship. 

I promised to love her. I promised to protect her. Then I asked sincerely, if I could enter her and make her mine. 

Knowing, where we were going is the longest journey she will ever know. 
Here.