“There was a big drug bust in 2014 called ‘Operation Dead End.’...

“There was a big drug bust in 2014 called ‘Operation Dead End.’ They listed all the names in the local paper. Most of them were young kids. But then there’s my dad at the bottom, 55 years old. It was humiliating to see my last name in the paper. I called him and said: ‘What the fuck is this?’ But he just brushed it off in his typical way. He can be very convincing, which is probably why my mom stayed with him for thirteen years. He’s got this high-pressured speech, even when he’s sober. It’s captivating. It can draw you in. For most of my childhood he lived at my grandparents’ house. They had a swimming pool, and pinball machines, and an air hockey table. The court said I wasn’t supposed to be alone with him, but he’d always convince me. And I’d convince my mom. Even though he invested time, it was always to the point of him leaving later. So he could do his crack and not feel guilty about it. He’d show up for ten minutes before I went to prom. He came to my high school graduation, but was gone by the time I finished walking. I remember always thinking he was going to die. I’d write him letters. I’d leave him voicemails. But he never stopped using. After Operation Dead End, the judge gave him an option to enroll in a three-year diversion program. I was there for him as much as a college kid could be. I called him every day. He’d cry a lot, which was new. He’d say: ‘It’s hard. It’s so hard. But I’m going to get sober.’ And he did. He’s been clean for four or five years now. My whole childhood I was desperate for his attention. And now he bugs the shit out of me. He calls me four or five times a day. He’s been addicted to drugs for most of his life, so there’s a lot he didn’t learn: building credit, paying bills, stuff like that. My mom says I’m the parent and he’s the child. But at least I’ve got him. I just want him to live his life and enjoy it. It wasn’t easy what he did. He turned his life around. So I’ve let go of my expectations. For the longest time I thought he was going to die in some crack house. But now he can see me get married. He can meet his grandchildren. I’m not ashamed to be connected with him anymore. I’m actually proud to have his last name.”