FEARWRITER’S QUICK FLICK PICKS

As promised, I’ve resurrected the Quirky Qeue series, in which I throw out capsulre reviews of my latest viewings, only it has a new title. Rhymey, ain’t it?

CHAIN OF COMMAND

Michael Jai White is one of my favorite action stars. This film is beneath him. Not that it’s terrible – just bland. Lethargic even. It’s annoyingly talky for a shoot-and-puncher. Steve Austin appears as well, and while his acting is not on par with White’s he’s always a great presence. Here he’s a villain, or “heel” in the parlance of his former profession. Tense exchanges between the two in a scene at mid-point suggest we will get a fight scene between them but it never materializes, and without it, there’s really  no reason to watch.

HEX

In the wake of Robert Eggers’ acclaimed THE VVITCH we are getting a good many moody period pieces. This one, set during the English Civil War starts out as a sort of early European-set ​HELL IN THE PACIFIC with two soldiers separated from their respective battalions or regiments or squads or war comrades or whatever, playing a bit of the old cat-and-mouse in a forest valley (beautifully lensed) littered with ancient structures and the abandoned camps of their mates. A hooded woman stalks them from afar and she’s probably a witch but there’s only so much silent, glacial-paced creeping through trees I can stand, so I had to turn it off, dammit. filmwads if your script can’t sustain feature length, make something else.

ALONG THE RIVER

While it is just as slow (and beautiful) as HEX, ATR did hold me till the end, but it was often a chore. A wildlife researcher becomes trapped by heavy rains at any empty village . He sees and hears strange and spooky things, as one might, and pieces together a disturbing local legend. At least HEX had a whopping main cast of two.

THE CREEPING FLESH

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As a little fellow, I once caught a preview of this between The Late Movie and The Late Late Movie, on CBS I believe. There were images which stamped themselves on my malleable young brain, such as a monster’s-eye view, pre-dating little Mikey Myers’ POV shot in HALLOWEEN, which had the movie’s monster peering at a terrified Peter Cushing, framed by its veiny, fleshy brow. To Little Me, the impression was that poor Peter had been somehow trapped inside the thing’s head and would have to watch helplessly as it killed its way across an old-timey countryside. That was at least as scary as the thing’s true M.O., if not more so. Having finally witnessed the full source of this horrific brain-engraving in all its Hammer-esque (it’s actually an indie production) glory, I can say it was worth the wait. Its only flaws are age-related. But I love this film as much as I hated its terrifying trailer back in the day, and that’s saying something.

TOOLBOX MASSACRE 2

This sequel to a Tobe Hooper-lensed remake is not particularly great but as a product of its era (post-SAW/HOSTEL) it delivers the goods: gore, damsel in deadly distress and just enough surrealism to keep it from hitting that unpleasant zone that take WOLF CREEK and CAPTIVITY across the line into wish-you-hadn’t-watched-it territory.

KILLER WORKOUT

Somewhere along the way I must have become an 80s slasher completist because everytime one pops up in my recs I rush to place it at the top of my watchlist. This was the most recent, which I remember by its cover art from the VHS days. For me, expectations are always low for the storytelling elements or production values of any 80s flick I haven’t seen before. It’s the aesthetic and nostalgia I like. KW is just below average in terms of retro goodness. The murder’s lame weapon (extra large safety pin) and kills (I mean, it’s a safety pin) don’t exactly elicit the frisson of a Friday The 13th sex spear-kabob. The producer’s chose to take a lascivious angle, swooping the camera in and around leotard-clad participants who may or may not have already been… pinned, in various aerobics classes . 

BUSHIDO

Too lazy to read the description, I queued up the first episode of this Amazon Prime obscurity, assuming it would be a series of documentary examinations on various martial arts styles. It’s actually a collection of matches from Japan’s UWFI fight promotion, a strange (to westerners) variation of pro-wrestling bent more toward realistic, MMA style exhibitions than the lurid storyline emphasis of WWE and the like. Essentially, these are nearly full contact fights with acknowledged predetermined outcomes. Cool for what it is, but probably of interest only to niche shootfighting fans, and not really followers of either MMA or pro-wrestling.

ENCOUNTER

Luke Hemsworth lends his talents to this low-budget obscurity that sits precariously on the fence between sci-fi and drama, thoughtful and unintentionally hilarious, tedious and satisfying. In the end I give it a recommendation with the caveat of keeping your expectations low. God help me for saying this – it could benefit from a higher budget, not to mention a few script re-writes. I’m saying it’s a good candidate for a re-make.

THE POUGHKEEPSIE TAPES

The IMDB page explains that this one was scheduled for wide theatrical release and then abruptly pulled without explanation, but the reason is crystal clear – this film is not suitable for the casual viewer. TPT is often labeled “found footage” but that’s not entirely apt. If you’ve seen THE LAST BROADCAST then TPT’s format will be familiar. Like that 90s low-budget classic TPT is more a hodgepodge of news reports, interviews and, faux confiscated footage, assembled as a documentary. (I dislike the term “mockumentary” as it implies satire) This style is superior to found footage in many ways, justifying its feature-length where those films seldom do.

It’s absolutely harrowing, a contemporary HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER, that will eff you up for a while. Not a party or date flick, this one is for when you want to face humanity at its worst.