“I really wish he’d left letters. My sister was relieved,...

“I really wish he’d left letters. My sister was relieved, because she didn’t want to read it. She knew what a letter would say: ‘I love you,’ ‘You’re going to be OK,’ and all that stuff. And that’s probably true. But still. I wanted to know what mine would say. I wanted one that said: ‘Dear Claire.’ Maybe there would have been something different. Something just for me. I was the sporty one. In high school I played on his water polo team. And he’s the first one I called when my college team won the ultimate frisbee championship. I called him for everything. So many of my friends hated their dads. They wanted nothing to do with them. I used to feel so sorry for them. But now they still have their stupid dads, and I don’t. He left nothing behind. No explanation. I learned later that he’d been battling OCD his entire life. Maybe water polo was the thing that kept him grounded. He coached for thirty years. It was his passion. So when he finally retired, and he lost that focus, his problems became more apparent. Toward the end he stopped sleeping. He was terrified of germs. He thought every little thing was going to kill him. Maybe he was so afraid of death that he couldn’t wait anymore. But this is all a guess, he never shared his problems with me. It’s like: ‘C’mon Dad, we could have talked about it. I’m going to find out eventually if you kill yourself.’ He never wanted a funeral, but we hosted a water polo tournament in his honor. The turnout was amazing. People came from all over the country. When it was time for the women’s game, I went back to the office to change into my suit. My dad had spent a lot of time in there. In the corner there was a desk that served as a lost and found. It was covered in old goggles and things that nobody wanted to reclaim. Lying on the pile was a slightly rusting necklace, in the shape of a heart. There was a letter C on it. Maybe I should have left it, but I felt like it was for me. I know it’s stupid. Usually I roll my eyes at that kind of stuff. But it was a heart. On that day. In that spot. With a letter C. And It just felt like mine to keep. It felt like something that finally said: ‘I love you. And you’re going to be OK.’”